DISSOLVE

the cave

     I stared at the grey and white tiles under my sneakers. The floor was spotless; a vast difference compared to the sullied shoes that cladded my feet in the algid December weather. I wasn't used to seeing such pristine conditions. After I attended my classes at my local high school I would always spend my time cooped up in my "cave."

AKA my bedroom.

My parents (aka my Mom) were always on my back about spending more time with them by watching movies in the evenings or eating dinner with them every night but it was just easier to be by myself in my bedroom where I wasn't constantly judged on what I looked like or what I chose to wear. My mom was absolutely wearing the pants in my parents marriage. When I wasn't complying exactly how she wanted me to act she would recruit my Dad into getting onto me about hanging with them. I never could understood her. When she worked, she would be gone anywhere from four days to a week at a time. My Dad was always gone until at least seven pm with his construction job. However when they were home I had to spend every waking moment with them or I was an unruly brat. My bedroom was a mess to put it simply. A complete mess as my mother calls it everyday as she tells me to get it clean. However it was an organized disaster for me. I knew where absolutely everything in my rooms was. It might appear chaotic or untidy but it wasn't like it was dirty, just a bunch of items stored very precisely.

I peered down at the grey athletic hoodie I had pulled on in the rush to get to the hospital was soiled from my lunch date earlier with my best friend, Krystle. Well, was it considered earlier when it's a new day? It was around 2 am when my father woke me up to go to the hospital in a sleepy daze. Krystle and I had watched a movie at our local movie theatre and had Wendys for dinner before she dropped me off at my house at 9pm. I picked at the ketchup stain on my chest absentmindedly. I would usually care how I appeared to complete strangers but today was different. Surely my own brother being in the hospital is a good excuse to not be 100% put together. However I knew my mother would think otherwise and deeply disagree. I had a deep unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomachs we waited in silence. There wasn't much said between my father and I after he woke me up and said Danny had been in a car accident and we needed to go our local hospital. My fingers were ice cold and felt as though they were weighed down by cement blocks as I stood frozen for the nurse. She appeared behind a door she held open with her foot and motioned my father and I for us to follow her down the long hall.

The nurse was very thin and older, greying hairs peaking from her roots while the rest of her hair was a perfect chocolate brown. Perhaps she hasn't had the time to go get a touch up done on her hair recently but still I admired her true beauty. My mother was always on me about my appearance. My hair couldn't be unbrushed in her presence. I better have some sort of foundation on to cover my blemishes and blush on to liven up my face or I would have to hear her judgmental comments about how her own daughter has to look like a troll. For my mom, physical was the most important. Look beautiful, no matter how you feel on the inside. My mom didn't care about knowing me but only owning my accomplishments as her one.

Because it was the middle of the night, the hallway lights were off and the floor was quiet with the hums of the machinery monitoring the individuals on the floor. I buried my hands in my hoodie pocket and gripped them so tightly I was sure I was cutting off the circulation to my fingers.

My father steps forward to follow the nurse but I stumble. My feet feet heavier than I could ever imagine. My throat has a ball so large in it, it makes it so hard to swallow. The chances of tears escaping my eyes were too high for my liking. I forced one foot after another to catch up with my father. When we reached a closed brown door, we both faltered as the nurse stepped through the entry way. She motioned us through with a warm smile but I could see the pain in her eyes. There was no way this was going to have a good outcome.