Finding me

Chapter 1

Do you ever just feel like you need a break from the world, to just stop existing for a minute, as if you were never there? I wish for that all the time. I think it's because sometimes I just feel so alone, as if no one in my life really wants or needs me there, that they wouldn't be affected by losing me. I fear that I'll always be living like this and that I'll never feel what it is to love or be loved of wanted or needed. Like I'm not needed at—

"Alex! Alex, hello?" I'm snapped from my thoughts, I look to see Emily next to me getting up to leave the room, so I follow her. "Are you alright?" She asks as we walk along the hall. "Yeah" I reply " yeah, I'm good, just tired, you know how it is." "Are you sure? You seemed pretty deep in thought in there, you missed half the lecture." She says concerned. Emily's one of my closest friends, we live together and are studying the same course at university, she's who I go to when I need to talk or cry or do anything really. "I'm good honestly, just want to get home and get to bed aha" Emily agrees and doesn't reply, knowing I'm not gonna say what's wrong.

That's my problem, I'm so open with people about all the wrong things, I trust people I shouldn't with information I don't want spread around, I don't know, for validation, to show off, to have something to talk to them about so I feel included. It's all a big mess and it's how I cope, but the things that I should talk about, that really affect me and eat away at me inside, that's what I can never say to anyone. I just feel like I would be a burden to the listener, as if they are only listening out of kindness, but that they don't want to be there and don't care. The truth is I know there are people I have that will listen and care, but a part of me filled with doubt and anxiety and fear of ridicule overpowers my need to talk things out. Instead I suppress it, pretend it doesn't exist, and let it build up until I break. Not healthy, I know, but, I just don't seem to have the power to do otherwise.

I get home and just go straight to my room, change into a hoodie and shorts and curl up in bed to whatever show I'm rewatching again, I try to socialise with my room mates but always feel like I'm boring and so the only time I do hang with them is when we are drinking, and for me that happens a lot, it's the only time I'm able to stop worrying and let loose and have fun.
I hide myself from the world, If I go out I go alone, earphones in full volume an escape into my own world of made up scenarios, like if I went to a school reunion, skinnier, prettier, rich, famous, showing everyone that I succeeded, or imagining life where I'm with an old crush, happy. All so impossible, however, the only way I can stop thinking about my real life. I'm afraid, afraid that if I don't start living my life now, I'll lose all my chances. I spend so much time saying what I am going to do instead of doing it, missing opportunities out of fear of failure or rejection. And, I know I shouldn't, I know I need to push forward, I just can't I don't know how. I am wasting my life away and I don't know how to stop.
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Authors Note
Hi guys,
So this is kinda personal, this reflect majorly on how I feel in my life and I know it's a bit deep and depressing so sorry about that.
In this book, the story is somewhat gonna be me writing how I hope to move forward with life and what I hope can happen in my future, to find love and happiness and find myself, so not only will I be writing a story for you, but it will also be my own weird sort of therapy to figure out my head and confront my emotions and find who I am and who I want to be.
Sorry lol I know that's super deep and more than you want to know.
So please let me know if you like it and anything opinions you have on the story at all
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