A Song A Story

Break up with your girlfriend, im bored.

His words were a blanket. Warm, inviting, and gentle. He spoke of respect and mutual aspiration. He understood exactly what I wanted in a relationship. He was kind, mature, and open minded. He caught me off guard, that's for sure. I wasn't used to feeling this. I felt like I was an equal. An adult. Finally, a man who understood that I was my own person. I could make my own decisions, have my own dreams and goals and he could be there supporting me because he had similar dreams.

The way we spoke of our goals lined up. I could still go for what I wanted. And he could could still strive for what he planned. We could walk the same road and go to the same home, just respect when we'd go on our own adventures with our own friends. But talk is all talk in the beginning. And something in me was saying "don't think about it". But I took a look at his face and suddenly I wanted to know how his cheek would feel in my palm. How his lips would feel on my lips. And how his arms would feel wrapped around me. And I've been alone for a long time. Usually I wouldn't give in to my personal fantasies. Usually I would give in and make something out of it. But I did. And as most relationships, the first month is perfect. Sweet, open minded. Accepting with everything the other does. But then I saw myself in the mirror. My hair was curled, my makeup was done the way I like it. And he relaxed in my bed just watching me get ready for our night out. And I suddenly wanted to be alone. I wanted to be in my room by myself. Just me. I saw myself in the mirror and I loved me. I loved this girl right in front of me. And the man on my bed accepted who I saw in the reflective glass. But I was still wishing that I was going out into the town alone that night. All I could think as I looked into my own eyes staring back at me was how this wasn't fair. He's so good to me. There isn't a thing wrong with him, but if that's the case why do I not want this? Why am I bored?

He's working today. My own personal escape from him. It's wrong to feel like I need to hide away to breathe. But I'm looking at myself naked in the mirror right out of a shower. I'm clean. Glistening with water droplets on my skin. And I'm happy. I'm happy alone. Happy without him. Happy in my own skin. But why
can't people just play for keeps? Why don't I want him? I'm practicing on my knees begging for answers as to why he's not good enough for me. When he treats me so good. I shouldn't be thinking about any of this. And with the way we spoke of our unlined futures he's very aware of what he's doing to me. He's mad at me for being upfront about the dreams I have. He's mad as if this is the first time he's hearing of them. Even though I told him these dreams of mine before we became a couple. Back then his dreams lined up with mine. Or so he said. He's acting all innocent. As if he doesn't realize that he's the one who pretended to be okay with the course my life was headed. And I know he's thinking about it. About how free I am when I'm alone. How much stronger I am when I'm alone. How much more power I have when I'm alone. And he realizes exactly who I am without him. And he admits that I can't compare to myself when I'm without him.

He says I'm hating, but I only hate on myself because I want what's best for me. I want to truly feel like me. I want to be independent and with myself. Me without all of me just isn't right. He calls me crazy because I want myself. A part of me that I've never met before. The part of me that wants to and is choosing to be single. A part of me who doesn't fear being me.