Granger Beloved

Desiderium

   disclaimer ~I don't condone the use of drugs especially if you're a minor lol~

 Running up the stairs to my dorm, I couldn't hear anything. Seeing her with Krum was hard enough, now, a girl as beautiful as Elena? The silence in my head was broken as I slammed the door to my room behind me. "(y/n), please let me explain," Hermione said from the other side of the door, in her soft voice that was enough to make me melt. "You couldn't even tell me. Hermione, I thought I was your best friend," I said as my voice broke.

   "(y/n)! You are, I was going to tell you, I promise, it's just with everything going on- I didn't want to add to your stress. That's all," she said, I could tell she was fighting back tears as well. I knew it wasn't my place to be angry, I also knew I had no dictation over what she did. This didn't change the fact that seeing her like that hit me like a semi. This also didn't change what came out of my mouth next. "So what? You needed a girl on the side while Krum's away? Is that what this is?" "No! not at all, there's nothing going on between us! She kissed me first," She said. I could tell she was crying now.

   I was sitting at the back of the door with my knees to my chest. She wasn't making any sense. "So do you even like girls?" I asked her, quieter than I was before. "Well- I mean I always have. I never thought it was a big deal, it's not like I'd ever act on it. You know how my parents are," Hermione said, matching my tone. It's true, I knew Hermione's parents wouldn't support her if she came out. "You could've told me, I would've supported you. You know that," I said. "I know- and I'm terribly sorry, (y/n). In my defense, I was planning on doing it soon," Hermione told me. Her words were muffled through the door.

   "Why did Elena kiss you anyway?" I asked her, trying to sound nonchalant. "I guess it was the way I was looking at her. You and I both know she's quite beautiful," She said. Even though I'd calmed down, hearing her talk about another girl like that stung. I didn't want to argue anymore. I opened the door, but instead of meeting her eyes, I walked past her into the common room. I still had homework to do, and although I knew I probably wouldn't be able to focus, I thought I might as well try. Hermione didn't follow me, even though I knew I wanted her to.

   A few minutes after I started to work on my Transfiguration homework, Ron and Harry entered through the portrait hole. "Hey, (y/n)," Ron said as they both walked up to me at my table. "Hello," I replied while they sat down. I looked up at them and Harry looked at me weirdly. "Your eyes are all red... what happened?" He asked me as I looked back down at my paper so he couldn't continue inspecting my eyes. "Nothing, really," I said, thinking of an excuse. One popped in my head, and I whispered, "Fred and George may have given me some of their... you know, grass." More people were starting to enter the common room.

   The stupidity of what I said came to me just as I looked up at Harry and Ron. Why didn't I just tell them I was crying over something stupid? That was more believable than me getting high, anyway. "So you're telling me, that my brothers, got you high?" Ron asked me, obviously not believing my statement. "Only a little, I just wanted to try it. But this is the only time, I assure you," I said. They both looked at me with confused grins, then they started to laugh.

   "You- of all people in this room? I don't believe you for a second," said Harry, still grinning. "Yea, I reckon I should go and ask them myself," Ron said, turning to Harry. "Don't you think you should stop that over there first? You aren't a very good prefect, Ronald," I said, pointing at Fred and George in the corner as they tested their joke shop products on the first years. Ron groaned but remained in his seat. "They'd never leave me alone if I so much as looked at them wrong," Ron said, turning back to the table.

   "This was quite fun, but I think I'm going up to the dorm now. Goodnight," I said, walking up to my room. I didn't hear their response- they probably didn't even notice, as I rushed to change the subject, and took my opportunity to leave. The situation with Hermione was still in my head as I walked up the small staircase, and I was a bit reluctant to open the door to our room. I took a deep breath, and I turned the knob, and I entered slowly.

   I looked over at her on her bed, her knees up, with a book in her lap. Her eyes met mine and we stared at each other for a second, but I quickly looked away, as much as I loved her eyes, I couldn't stand to look at them right now. I walked over to my bed and set my stuff down. I brought up my Transfiguration homework to try and finish it once more, and I couldn't stop myself from asking, "Are you going to tell the boys, or will you keep it secret?" She didn't respond for a second, as though she was carefully picking out a response. "I don't think I will, honestly. I don't see a point, because of my parents. I was only going to tell you because I figured you'd understand. I'd never be able to date a girl anyways," she said in a soft-spoken tone.

   "Oh- well that's okay I suppose. I won't tell, obviously," I said, still staring at my book. I finally looked up at her, to meet her eyes. She nodded at me, as if to say thanks, then went back to her book. I looked back down at my work, I didn't know how I felt.

   I managed to finish my homework, and after changing and putting my books away, I turned my light off to try and get some sleep. After 3 years, I had clarification that Hermione and I  just wouldn't work. The thought that had been in the back of my mind for so long was becoming clearer: I had to find a way to get over her. Even though this made me incredibly sad, I had to think rationally. This was my OWL year, and I couldn't afford distractions. I wanted to write my emotions out so badly- but I was hesitant due to the fiasco that had happened earlier in the week. 

   Hours began to pass, so I caved. Writing was the best way to clear my mind, and frankly, what else could I do? I wrote until my hand hurt, then I made sure to put the book back under my mattress this time. I looked over at Hermione. She'd fallen asleep, facing me. She looked beautiful as she slept, and although I knew it was weird to look at her like this, I did it anyway. I told myself that this would be the last time. I turned over once more, and I laid facing the wall. Sleep finally came, though with difficulty, but I drifted off.

(A/N): So to the like 4 people reading this, thanks and ily <3. Also, for clarification, the title means "an ardent desire or longing." Idk I just thought it fit lol.