What Am I Missing?

Sometimes you have dreams about your past... sometimes the dreams come to you when you're not even asleep... and they come to you as though you are there. You smell your mothers baking, feel the dry hot wood of you house scratching up your feet... and if you focus... you can sometime tune out the yelling in your present just enough... to hear the flapping... of wings... close your eyes and maybe... you'll ketch a glimpse of the white feathers... and feel like you're almost home. That feeling of being almost home... it makes you thirsty and causes you to feel as though you've been wandering in the desert for days. You end up suffering and feeling relieved at the same time. I think it's because you've been suffering all along and you just didn't realize until the moment you saw just enough good to notice the bad... and the relief you feel is because now you know that you're not going to be suffering forever... there is a better place than where you are now. And you can find your way there.

I went through 2 and half years of suffering without knowing... but then a glimpse woke me up.

Chloe Stewart was left behind... or maybe it was "left forward" as she didn't know a past... sure she knew what happened yesterday and the day before that... she could remember millions of yesterdays ago... her fifth birthday party... the pony she had when she was 8... but it always felt like there was pieces missing... though she never really thought about it like that.

To her it was like a color book that had only background images colored in. She knew she was a happy child but thought it was her being naive... she thought maybe if she knew what she did now then she wouldn't have been a very happy child. Truth be told... she knew just as much then as she does now regarding the situation she was in... the difference was simple really... when Chloe was 5 or 8 or even 12... she didn't care... but at 13... she now cared a lot.

She cared so much that she no longer even understood what could have made so happy a year ago that she didn't have now... She cared so much that she focused only on the negatives in an attempt to fix it all... She cared so much that she wanted it all gone... something from her past was missing and it bugged her to the point that she thought if all her past was gone then surely it would be better than this... Pink walls painted black, long hair cut short and long baggy sweaters to hide herself away.

Surely it was better this way. Chloe didn't know that she was suffering and yet she suffered so much... it must have simply been life with nothing to look forward to.

She looked sad and annoyed while she slouched in the back of music class. It was forced upon her by the school since they required 2 extra classes... 1 you could choose the 2nd was given to you. She had chosen band when she was 12 because her older sister was in band but now as a 13 year old she didn't care what sister did and found no reason to be proud of anything... Now at 13 she wishes she hadn't chosen band. But if not band then what? She was passionate in art... she always had been but she wouldn't like art class because you have to show your art and she felt as though her passion in the hobby wasn't enough to make her good at it. And everything else she couldn't see herself enjoying, it involved being in front of people which made her anxious.

"Hey, you!" Chloe glanced up at the girl sitting in front of her. The girl was a part of a click, of course, everyone in the school was as far as Chloe could see... except for Chloe... there were few people that she liked to be around. The girl in front of her was an emo kid with long dark brown hair that always seemed to take the spotlight away from her face despite it never actually being her face along with a baby face that made Chloe think that she most likely was one of those kids you always caught doing weird stuff in elementary school... like eating glue or dipping their cheese in their yogurt, and hazelnut eyes. She wore a baggy black hoodie and had braces.

Chloe knew her as Olivia Wilson but Olivia didn't know Chloe or her name, no one ever did, but Chloe liked it that way.

"Do you like... not have friends or something?" In Chloe's opinion the question was a very bold one to ask and the tone Olivia used seemed like she didn't even notice the rudeness of the question which led Chloe to believe that Olivia was either the type that acted before thinking a lot of the time or a complete brat. Either way Chloe kept her head low and voice quiet, not wanting any more attention then she was already getting... heck she didn't even want the attention she was getting right then.

"No, I have friends." She knew she looked like a sad little thing to see... like a dog that has been glued to the side walk during the winter, but is too hopeless and pitiful looking for anyone to want to help. She could feel the bags under her green eyes and her messy hair tickling her cheeks, but she could never figure out if these feelings were in her head or actually happening... mainly because she was pretty sure that you can't feel bags under your eyes.

Olivia moved in her chair so that she could lean more over the back.

"Like who? I never see you hanging out with anyone."

"Well..." Chloe started to chew the inside of her cheeks " I have Hannah and Thomas."

"I don't know them."

"You wouldn't." Chloe knew it sounded like she was trying to be rude and maybe in the back of her head she was in an attempt to shut this girl up but, really it was true. Hannah really ever spoke to anyone that Chloe knew of and while Hannah was in the kind of click where her and Olivia might cross paths Chloe had never heard Hannah mention her and as Thomas he was a dorky redhead that Chloe had known since kindergarten and she knew for a fact that Thomas didn't hang with people like Olivia.

Olivia paused for a second before saying

"You're rude!" in a tone that made Chloe think of a Pomeranian as most girls in the school did every once in a while, before turning back around in her seat to continue to wait for the bell to ring. Chloe didn't care... she knew she had done nothing wrong... it seemed to be a gift she had that other people didn't... Chloe always knew when she was and wasn't in the wrong... that fact only made Chloe feel even more guilty when she had done something wrong though.

Chloe simply opened up her book and began to read... she hated reading though... her mind was too loud for her to focus on the words in front of her, but she still tried her best to read the story as she really did want to know what it was about. Eventually however Chloe was thinking more about her friend Hannah then she was thinking of the book. Hannah Davis had been Chloe's best friend since 3rd grade when a girl with black hair, pale skin and blue eyes had asked to borrow Chloe's pencell but when Chloe gave it to the girl she kissed Chloe on the cheek which made Chloe uncomfortable since she never even liked hugs or compliments... she wished interactions like that could just have a skip button but of course in 3rd grade Chloe didn't think like that and only had her 9 year old brain turn to static for a split second before someone said

"Hey you shouldn't just kiss people like that. I think it made you made her uncomfortable." when she tuned back in there was Hannah. A girl with dirty blond hair that reached her hip in a braid, purple eyes and a black and grey used jacket that was too big for her. Past that point Chloe followed Hannah around like a lost puppy.

Everyone that Chloe had ever met had some kind of flaw... rather it be their personality or the way they looked no one was perfect in Chloe's eyes, but Hannah had no flaws that Chloe could see... Hannah's hair made Chloe think of Rapunzel which was Chloe's favorite princess since the moment that Chloe laid eyes on her... Hannah's eye's always made her look mysterious which made Chloe want to find out everything about her...

The way her face shape went down to a point made Chloe feel electricity in her toes, and the jacket that Hannah had worn since 3rd grade served Chloe as comfort to see.