When You're Not Strong

  The snow beat harshly against my face as I walked home from school. My boots made prints on the ground and my long brown hair was flying widly with the wind. I pulled my coat tighter agaist my skin and wrapped my arms around myself hoping to block out some of the cold, but it was honestly no use.

I approached my house and my froezen fingers had a difficult time pulling the key from my pocket. As soon as I stepped into the warmth, a sigh of relief escaped my lips. I shut the door behind me and noticed my mother asleep on the couch. She was in the fetal position and her face was tear stained. After putting a blanket over her, I heard the coughing come from my brother's room.

  I walked down the hall and saw him hunched over in his bed. He smiled up at me when he realized I was standing in the doorway. His smile really hadn't reached his eyes since his condition worsened.

"Hey Panda," he croaked out as he grabbed my hand. He weakly squeezed it then let go. I sat next to him on his bed and he wrapped his thin arms around me and kissed my forehead. I buried my head in the crook of his neck and sobbed. We both understood what was happening. He shushed me and ran his fingers through my hair. We were very close considering we've had to rely on eachother so much. But now I was losing him.

  "I'll go make you some food, Bubba," I whispered as I stood and left the room. All we really had was broth. Our family was low on money and couldn't afford food. We also couldn't afford a lot of Ian's treatment. I made him a small bowl of broth and brought it to his room. He was coughing again when I walked in. He looked at the bowl when he was finished and frowned. 

"You eat it," he managed to force out.

"No, I've eaten today," He rose his eyebrows at me showing that he didn't believe me. "My friend bought me lunch," I lied. He stared at me for a while debatingly then reached his hand out for the bowl. I carefully placed the bowl in his weak, shaky hands. His bony hands slowly lifted the bowl to his mouth. He closed his eyes, savoring the taste. I will miss this. His sighs of delight when he recieves a meal. The way his eyes light up at the sight of anyone he cares for. I love him a lot.

  After he ate, we just laid together in his bed. He held me close and rubbed my back. We both silently agreed with a look that he didn't have much time His dark brown eyes had a grey, lifeless tone. His skin was pale and cold. I knew he was in pain, but he looked at me and smiled through it.

  I've been the main one taking care of him. Our mom broke down after Dad left. He couldn't handle the knowing that Ian is going to die. She obviously can't either, but stuck around. Although, the way she's coping isn't much better. She works a part-time job then comes home to get drunk, cry, or sleep. It was shocking that we still had a pace to call home. 

  "Panda," Ian whispered my childhood nickname, "Do something with your life once I'm gone. Go to special places, be with special people. You won't have to worry and take care of me anymore," he weakly said. Tears built up in my eyes. It was really happening. "Promise me," he forced out. I couldn't take it. I began to bawl as I nodded and kissed his forehead. I made I promise to him that I'll always have to keep. 

   That night we fell asleep to my soft humming to "Lean On Me". We always sang that song when we were little. It was our song. It was symbolic to our relationship in a way. I'll always help Ian carry on and he'll always do the same for me. Even when he's gone.