Fresh Thoughts From a Rotten Brain

Sun

SUN

I blink a few times. My eyes won't just open as I wish because of the sticky substance in every corner of it. Gross. When my eyes landed on the blinding light of the morning sun, I immediately turned back to darkness. Lying flat on my back with my stomach deflating and my chest slowly moving upward, finally a long and deep breath escape my mouth. Every morning, I am unconsciously doing this before asking myself without a hint of hope. As if I'm already tired when my day hasn't even started yet. "So, how to finished this day?" Funny how I only wake up to go back to sleep again. It never fails to motivate me to keep going. Ever since the morning I woke up and realized that I would never be able to wake up as a dreamy bratty kid again, the sunrise for me felt the same. It's still warm but isn't comforting. Still pretty but won't make me stare at it for a long time.

I started to find almost every matter a drag. Sometimes, I am quite sorry that dealing with people makes me feel like I am on the edge of a cliff. Their smile, words and movement scare me. It pushes me to fall off the coldness of my thought like a chilly deep green water.

If I were to choose, I'd rather be lost in myself than to lose myself in search for the reason why the lot won't normalized people like me.

I want to know how I turned out this way and why the way I view the past is like a scene I am seeing for the first time. Where is the me who adores the sun? But no matter how much I used the freedom my mind has given me, my question remains unanswered.