Toronto

1.

I was about 16 when I "met" him. You can't really classifying meeting someone over text, right?

I had first heard of Him when one of my good friend's texted me about the super cute guy she met, who she had the biggest crush on. Mia knew him because they had met over Christmas break in Jamaica. 3 days after they met they kissed. They spent the rest of the week in bliss, a bubble of happiness that would be soon be popped by reality. It was magical and he stayed at her house for the weekend when they came back before he jetted off to his hometown, 6 hours away. As school started back again they both started to realize just how utterly stupid they were to ever kiss or do anything. Back home Mia was still hung up on her ex boyfriend and He had a girlfriend, which he later broke up with, but that's not the point. The point is they were young and having fun for a week. I had never expected Him to come into my life. He was Mia's vacation crush, A boy that would disappear as fast as he came. At least that's what I told myself.

One day while Mia was in Jamaica I had texted her a few songs she should listen to. It was something we did all the time, share music, and then obsess over the band like little girls. I had sent her a song more of my style by The Head and The Heart, my soon to be favourite band at the time. He was sitting right next to her and saw the song and he and I texted through Mia's phone just a few bands we liked. He was just Him, a boy that shared my music taste and it seemed that it would be nothing more. It was simple, meaningless and nice to know someone appreciated my music. After that I would tell Mia a few songs for him to listen to and he would do the same for me. When school started back up we kept the song exchange going for a couple days before Mia finally gave him my number for him to text for me. It was quite weird, I don't know why I ever got into texting him, but it just happened. We quickly started to share our music taste, expanded on our previous texts and it was like wildfire. We would text more and more sharing our thoughts about this and that, anything you could think of it would come up. It was weird because we shared our opinions on a lot of things, he was the boy version of me and I him. Mia would also come up in conversation too. He and Mia still texted and they clearly showed feelings. He broke up with his girlfriend, and Mia would tell me about how sweet he was. It wasn't that bad then. It was cool to be the middle men to know everything and be able to talk to both parties was exciting and thrilling. But things soon started to twist.

As Him and I got closer, it was like Mia and him were being pulled apart. They both started to come to terms to what they really did over break and how it would never work. Not in a million years. They started to fight, he said some things he didn't mean to and Mia pushed him away. They would rarely text and He and I would text for most of the day. It was no longer exciting to be the middle men. I had started to care about Him as a friend and Mia was one of my good friends. I had to keep things from one or the other, things that Mia or him should've said to each other. I was biting my hand trying to keep from saying things to Mia and or texting him the wrong thing. Mia accepted things wouldn't work and started meeting new people, yet He still talked to me about her like he was in love with her.

As weeks passed, I started to develop a crush on him. I was a stupid teenage girl, and I beat myself up for it. Here I was crushing on a boy I had never met AND I was still sure he was not over Mia. I knew how bad it would get, so I told myself it was petty, meaningless, and that he would clearly never reciprocate the simple feelings or any feelings at all. Also if it hadn't worked out with Mia why would it ever work out with me? I decided to keep my crush to myself. I couldn't tell Mia for fear of losing our friendship and I couldn't tell Him because he would shut me down. So I was a friend, I didn't show any signs of feelings and I ignored any comment about me and him. Mia could see that he and I had a lot in common and would make comments to me if I told her something he said. I knew she wasn't serious about him but I still felt like there was some girl code against me liking him so I didn't chance it.

I had been laughing at something he said in class next to Mia when she stared at me for a couple seconds before blurting out something I had never wanted to hear.

"Do you like him, El?" Panic and fear spread through my body. No, she wasn't supposed to figure this out, she wasn't supposed to catch on to me like I always did to her. A cough erupted from my body at the pure shock of the question.

"No? What are you talking about? I would never, I mean, I just, no I don't" I trembled on my words.

"You seem pretty fond of him" Mia sounded sincere and kinda, not jealous or vengeful.

"Uh, no. We just have a lot in common. And even if I did Mia I would never do that to you." Good job El, way to steer her of your tracks.

"You know I don't care, you know I'm not like that. You guys would be cute." Dammit

"The reason it won't work for you guys, is the same reason it won't work us. Plus he wouldn't like me anyways"

"So you do like him?" A groan escapes my lips as she says this.

"No! Where did you even get that from?" The lie comes out easier than it should.

"I'm not oblivious El, I just think you do, it wouldn't be a problem if you did"

"Look Mia I don't like him okay. Just platonic, that's it. Am I not allowed to have a guy bestfriend?" Mia rolls her eyes at me. I already know she doesn't believe me but she's gonna let me play it off.

"El it's not that you can't, it's just that you usually don't talk to the opposite sex unless you like them-"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"El it's not bad it's just you get all nervous around guys like they are going to kill you, your only comfortable in our girl friend group. I know you get uneasy around guys," a pained expression appear on my face. She knows guys make me uncomfortable, "its just unusual that you don't have feelings for him."

She was absolutely right, when wasn't she right? But I had seen all the broken hearts she had gone through. She wore her heart on her sleeve and everybody came to take a piece of it. She constantly got her heart ripped to shreds and I was there when she would cry. I didn't want to put myself through that. Love is the messiest thing in this world and to involve yourself is reckless. I couldn't self destruct like that. So pushing him away was the only thing I wanted to do. To just pretend my heart didn't flutter when he texted me.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore, I already told you I don't like him and that's it, why won't you believe me?" I was pleading for her to move on with this conversation because any second and I would spill the words I've been keeping locked up for so long. Mia groans at my request but picks her pen back up and starts the math equation. Relief floods through me that I am no longer being poked and prodded and she'll leave me be about him.

"Ya know, I may shut up this time, but if this ever comes up again, I will get the truth." I don't even bother responding but ignore her and continue to work on a question that is impossible for man kind to even figure out.

As the days went by he and I continued to text. Mia starts seeing another guy. He still has feelings for her. I sit back and try not to get even more head over heels about him. Mia will ask me about him every once and while as if she's checking up on him. I brush her off and get her to tell me about her soon to be boyfriend. Things are neutral, no drama between the two parties and that's perfectly cool, it's just things aren't going to stay like this and I push myself to be prepared for the giant tidal wave that will come crashing down on all of us.

The problem with all of this was that as much as I wanted to I couldn't pretend he was just an internet friend, or just a guy. He was affecting me as if he was a real life person. He wasn't a nobody. He was Charlie. The boy from Toronto.