TW// Cutting and depressive thoughts
"December 2. 2019
Dear Felix,
Hey, man!! Improbably gonna regret writing like this..Anyway, so I'm gonna make myself check this in a year. Hopefully, you have improved with some of the things we both hate about ourselves. You know like the way I keep forgetting to make my bed or put clothes away. The small things. It's currently December 2nd and it's gonna be Christmas soon! Sadly, I can't celebrate it with my family but at least I have the boys here with me. Let's hope you get to go home one year, yeah? Also, why do I push myself to go to bed so late at night? Not even at night. 5 am. I don't even give myself 3 hours of sleep each night. Felix, get more sleep. You got this and stay strong! How are you holding in by the way? Like I said earlier let's hope you improve in some areas we both know we are bad at...What about self-love? I mean I have kinda gotten over my homesickness, but I still can get really depressed. I hope you found our love for ourselves by the time you find this. Anyway, bang chan is yelling at me to eat. DONT FORGET TO READ THIS!! Oi, it was nice writing to myself. Bye.
To myself,
Felix."
~A year Later~
Well, I feel bad for myself. Did I improve on self-love? No. Not one bit. If anything the amount of love I have for myself is nonexistent. You know that doesn't matter though. Let's just say that we have achieved many great things. Since the release of God's menu, our popularity grew a whole bunch! We have won numerous awards since. Back door was a hit and so was All in. Overall I'm gonna say if you saw where we are today you would be pleased with us.
But I'm very sorry for failing you. I don't think I only failed you, but everyone around me. Lately, changbin hasn't been speaking to me very much and han also seems distant. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong. Bangchan has been talking to me, but I feel like he's forcing himself to do it. Minho is the same besides that he randomly has something to do when I ask him for something sometimes. Jeongin hasn't talked to me once in a week. Seungmin is never here when I'm home. Hyunjin. Hyunjin doesn't talk to me, but he's the one I'm most curious about. He seems to know what's going on. When I walk into the room and everyone leaves, Hyunjin just sits there. He sometimes looks as if he wants to fight all the members. I don't know whos on my side anymore. Minho seems the most down to earth though.
Why do I even bother being apart of this group when no one cares about me or even likes me? I have gotten worse at rapping..maybe that's it? My dancing isn't as sharp...or that? Oh and uh..yeah I started cutting again. I really tried to stop myself but it helps. I can't feel happiness nor sadness. I'm numb. It brings something into my life that I needed for a long time. None of the members know though. If they did know would they care? No. They wouldn't. In fact, they would probably curse me out and call me names.......
"Felix? Are you still asleep? If you can hear me dinners ready...You can tag along if you want we will be in the kitchen." Channie looks over at Felix. The poor boy. He holds his stare at Felix's back. Then leaves and shuts the door softly.
Felix turns over once he hears the door shut. He looked at the clock only to notice it been an hour since he had read his letter. How deep in thought was he in that he didn't realize it had been an hour? Felix looked up at the ceiling and closed his eyes. Oh, how he loved being by himself. Being lonely was different from having your own time. Felix hated the feeling of loneliness but loved it when he was in his deep thoughts. Only his accepted deep thoughts.
The sounds of laughter filled the dorm the boys shared. Why would Felix go in there? It's not like the members cared for him...
He sat up for a moment lifting up his arm to reveal the fresh cuts he had. He then realized maybe this could be the moment the members would open up a little to him. They seemed to be in a good mood.
Felix got up and put a sweatshirt over his long-sleeved shirt, for extra coverage in case his arm flashed everyone. He slowly stood up feeling a little uneven. After shaking it off he made his way to the bedroom door. His hand reaching out to the door. He breathed in and out. As he was going to open the door, something from the other side opened it quicker than he could.
It was Hyunjin.
YOU ARE READING
Touch My Heart
Fanfiction"Felix turns over once he hears the door shut. He looked at the clock only to notice it been an hour since he had read his letter. How deep in thought was he in that he didn't realize it had been an hour? Felix looked up at the ceiling and closed hi...
