Home (Memorize - Book Two)

Nowhere with Epos

"Take care of all your memories. For you cannot relive them." (20th century poet - two centuries before the Great Disease)

Hard to say where I am and where I'm heading. I don't feel anything, even though most of the time, I hardly feel anything. Feeling's an ability I've given up long ago.

There's nothing I can see or hear. Is it...silence? I'm numb. Mmmm, no... I'm always numb. This... This is different. There's nothing I can see or hear or smell. Yet, there are voices. Voices and images, from I don't know where and when. It's so dark everywhere.

The way he runs his hand through my hair. He's my idol. He's so strong, and fearless, and daunting. I look up at him. He's the strongest person I know. Handsome and knowledgeable. I follow him around. The sun's playing in his fair hair. His piercing blue eyes stop on me, and I'd do anything to make him feel proud of me.

But nothing's ever good enough. Nothing I can do matches his expectations. I'm never as tough as I should be. I try hard, though. One day, I'll be the man he wants me to be. I'll be powerful. I won't flinch. I will be strong.

"But Father, what will they do to him?"

"Son, you just have to do your duty. Questions lead to more questions, and it ain't wise to complicate what's simple."

"But, this man didn't do any harm, did he? I saw him: he didn't mean to hurt anyone, right?"

"He's done the worst possible offence: endangering the peace and order GloCo's providing for us, day after day. See, the way he's struggling now? He won't go far. Running is useless. When GloCo detects signs of unhealthiness, all you have to do is surrender to their care."

"What will they do, dad? What will they do to him?"

"Re-process his brain, that's all. A simple reset of his nervous system, and he'll be as good as new."

"Does it hurt?"

That man doesn't seem okay with reprocessing. As they're pushing him face forward on the ground, I see him fighting. Resisting. Why won''t he let GloCo help him?

"Maybe it hurts? Maybe he doesn't want to suffer?"

"It does not hurt. And even if it did, this man would get what he deserves. It's unfitting to bite the hand that feeds you. Don't ever forget this, son: GloCo provides for us. GloCo cares for our peace and happiness. Those who rebel are the enemies of human kind."

The memory soon dissolves, in a whispering turmoil of stomach ache and sweat, although right now, I have no stomach, no hands, no body. I'm just a handful of fluttering matter drifting into nothingness. Drifting with my own self-hatred as sole companion. My self-hatred is what made me who I am. Soon enough, a new vision arises, and the pain gets more real. How can you suffer without possessing a body? I do, though. Immensely.

"Evan, come over here, now!"

"Why? Why, Father? I don't want to!"

"You will report her, and you will do it with your brother."

I look down. I don't feel anything. I leave it to Evan to feel with all his might. I leave it to him to be a human. I can't. Father doesn't want us to be like that. And Father knows best.

"It's our mother, for heaven's sake. Our mother. There's no way we can report her."

"GloCo will mend her. They'll make her happy again. Let's go with Father, Evan."

I said it. I killed something inside. I swear I'll never be human again. But...this is what I wanted: I see it, a glimpse of pride in his eyes. This is my reward.

Evan's staring at me. His mouth's open, but he doesn't speak anymore. His deep blue eyes, his blond streaks of wild hair that catch the same light as our father: I see myself when I look at him. Well, a better version of myself. For whatever reason, despite all the emotions he struggles with, seeking our father's agreement isn't his obsession. He's a part of me, as I am a part of him; yet his rebellious mind draws an ever-widening line between us. A line that grows and spreads within our games, our talks, even our long walks in the Fields, amidst the red leafy plants, running and hiding and laughing. The line that turns into an abyss as I want to play Retrievers, and he wants to explore GloCo's "dark secrets", as he calls them.

Dark secrets? I know now what he meant. I remember. I didn't have to be re-processed, I was a volunteer. Evan: losing him was losing myself. I remember exactly where I am too: I'm travelling to Earth in a Time-Distorter. With these people. With this man next to me. They're all following him. This Jay I hate with all my guts. I guess he reminds me of Evan.

What do I do with all this hatred? I'd better let it consume me totally. As soon as our bodies recompose. If we recompose.

Our mother...

Wacan Meane's wife came back after two weeks. But Evan was never the same again. And she was never the same either. Parts of our lives, she had forgotten. Our existence was peaceful and happy again, on the surface. But Evan was boiling inside. Grippled by guilt. Angry at our father. Not at me, though. Evan always saw the good in me. He always believed in me, when all I craved for was recognition from Wacan Meane.

"You can tell me whatever you want, Pos, I know you don't mean it!"

"I do, I mean it. One day, I'll become B24's Commander. I'll rule the world. And I'll serve GloCo."

"You won't, bro. I know you better than that. You won't serve GloCo. They grilled our mother's brain! They're playing with us!"

"It's not playing. It's keeping the law. It's fighting against disorder and hatred. It's chosing improvement."

"Nonsense. One day, I'll free our planet from this tyranny!"

Suddenly, fear hits me strong.

"Shut up, Evan. Shut up, please. They'll get you if they detect how you feel. And they will!"

"Ah ah, see? You're not some nasty freak like you pretend to be. Want to know why?"

"Whatever..."

"Because you fear for me. And I know you always will!"

The words echo endlessly in the corridors of Time. And then... Things seem to be reshaping. I feel again. I feel my body. Real sweat, hot and cold. Real stomach ache this time. I see again: Jay and Kizuna, lying unconscious, side by side, holding hands.

Oh, I remember things. I do. These two... Maybe I should have told them. She's part of GloCo's dark secrets. He is, too. Maybe they should know...