Inner conscience [unOrdinary]

The inner workings of a beast

John took a deep look at his surroundings. He saw Zeke. The degenerate. The bastard. The one who pushed him to this point. His ally was the amalgamation of all that had produced the man he was today. He looked down beneath him. A cripple. He then set his eyes on himself. The catalyst for this all.

He looked back to the cripple. Hopeless. With no defense. Yet still not folding. A mirror. A mirror to himself. Who he was. Who he is. He saw the the determination, the will, the longing to go on, to stand up and defeat those who tortured him for all these years on end vanish from the eyes of the bleeding, defensless child that knelt at his feet. And he felt it.

Hope leaving. He knew, if there was no avenue for escape, no safety net of power to fall back to, he would be here. He wondered, which life would hurt him more, crushed, defeated, and left to cower in self loathing, or bent on nothing but revenge and being pushed to make allies with those who you despise, and to cut off all that have cared for you? These were his two choices, and while he had made his choice long ago, it set in that all paths inevitably lead to suffering.

He took a step back, to the wider scale, and in his mind saw Seraphina. The only one who had truly cared for him, suffering through her own self doubt, and having the only thing that gave her an upper hand in life stripped away. The feeling that when she lost this, all the respect for her had fizzled and everyone who she had believed to respect her having left her. And with her discovering her only true friend to have orchestrated a false character, and done things that had left her in existential dread and fear for her health, reputation, mental state, and quite possibly her life. The only people who she could fall back on were the ones who had created this mess in the first place, and that was only because they're going through enough, they couldn't deal with her as a dead weight cripple. And he felt it.

Then he saw Arlo, the man who orchestrated a grand plan to allow his life to fall into ruins. Why? Why would he feel this at all necessary? He saw Arlo's life, or all he knew of it, and tried all he could to see, why? A boy is left behind a responsibility, to control a community of the most powerful, privileged, people known in the nation. It is left in disrepair, but the people will not listen, because the people believe what his predecessor had done was in the people's best interest. The only response to anarchy, madness, disorder, was the opposite. Firm, rigid order, enforced by violence and fear. As inhumane as it is, it was all that could be done. And then one stood against him, one that would not listen to violence and fear, one that would not submit. When he finally found a corner to back him into, he unleashed a beast no one could control, and from there, suffered the consequences. Knowing everything you felt to be true and for the greater good was null and void, and that he was all along a terrible human being. And he felt it.

He saw Blyke. An annoying, irresponsible child who felt it was his job to get in his way no matter which side he was on. Who felt no joy in life other than those derived from power and superiority. Why? Why does he feel the need to prove himself moral? Why does he feel such a connection with ranking, power, being above people? And then he saw someone who's life was simple. Happy. He spent all of his time with his freinds, or in turf wars. He lived a life that he enjoyed. And then he was told that he was the next in line to be king. Someone that is powerful, superior, yet caring and morally and emotionally mature. He had but months to become this. He pushed and he pushed putting himself into more and more discomfort until he realised he was shaping himself into something he wasn't, but what choice did he have? And he felt it.

He felt all of this. He realised that he wasn't as different from those around him as he liked to believe. And he realised he one theme connecting all these lives. Suffering. It wasn't just him, all paths in this life lead to suffering. It didn't matter who leads, who follows, the core foundation of the world leads to suffering.

And he collapsed.