Hey Blondie Take A Hint

Tanya

A/N: Just always felt Bella should have got to confront Tanya, so here is a little silly one.

Edward said "Everything will be fine Love",

Esme explained "Don't worry Bella they all know you're engaged" and my personal favourite,

Carlisle stating "Tanya would never embarrass the two families, by doing anything inappropriate".

Well someone forgot to send her the memo. Because right at this moment the Slut was practically humping Edward's leg and everyone was ignoring the whole thing. Well everyone but me and Emmett who was laughing quietly, fist in his mouth to stop him saying anything till I arrived. How on earth could anyone not find this inappropriate?

She was pressed up against his chest pushing her own almost out of the barely-there top she was wearing. With obviously no bra, one arm around his waist and one of her legs wrapping one of his, as I came down the staircase. To say I was stunned was an understatement; I was also livid, but strangely calm at the same time. Edward bless him, had both his hands firmly stuck to his legs.

Even though they were balled up while he tried to have a nonchalant conversation with who I presumed to be Eleazar. As I reached the last step, poor Edward tried to move towards me. But it was a crablike affair as she was refusing to release him from her grip and him ever the gentleman pretended it wasn't happening. I could feel every eye in the room on me.

And as I was taking a deep breath and stepping forward, the bitch gave me a smug look and flicked her hair over one shoulder. I could feel Jasper's gift washing over me and I nodded in his direction as I raised my voice saying,

"Emmy-Bear be a dear and turn up the heating Tanya seems to be so cold she's frozen solid onto poor Edward. But I'm not surprised coming out in the middle of February in only her underwear",

I followed that up by lowering my voice to a whisper and as if in an aside to Alice asking,

"Is she a little touched in the head maybe?" knowing full well everyone heard me.

Sniggers went around the room as Jasper and Emmett burst out laughing and fell to the floor in convulsions of pure joy. Even Edward cracked a smile as he, at last, managed to extract himself from her clutches. The bitch scowled at me but said nothing. After being introduced to everyone else the tension dissipated and quiet pockets of conversation started up.

An hour or so later Esme asked if I would like a bite to eat and the two of us set off for the kitchen. As I was eating my, as usual, mouth-watering meal. Raised voices could be heard from the main room and a few growls,

"For God's sake Slut are you stupid or just totally tactless" from Rose,

"What the hell do you think you're doing Tanya" from one of her sisters and then from an outraged Edward,

"That's it, how dare you touch me like that and in front of my family. Have you no morals, woman?"

I jumped to my feet and asked Esme what did she do. She looked visibly upset and said very quietly,

"She touched ... well rubbed, eh Edward's you know", pointing to roughly her groin area and I sprinted out of the room.

"Well it's not as if he didn't like it" she spit back at them as I reached Edward's side;

I very pointedly looked down at Edward's groin and shook my head.

"Tanya, as you have just touched Edward's junk. Then you know that it isn't that small, as not to be able to make a bulge in the front of his pants" I quipped and everyone tried in vain to stop their laughter escaping.

"It went back down" she yelled.

If Edward had been human he would have been bright red or died of mortification.

"It's not as if you a mere human. Could get a rise out of him, so to speak" she laughed at me.

For goodness sake is this Bimbo that sad, turning to Esme and Carmen I said,

"Ladies, I think you might want to leave for this. Maybe make me a nice cup of coffee, please? Thank-you both" I turned to Edward and kissed him on the cheek and took his hand in mine saying,

"Now sweetie, I know you think sex and all that it involves is a very private thing between mates. But I have to prove a serious point here for both of us my love. So please don't be too upset with me and we need everyone else to be witnesses to this, okay?" He gulped but nodded his head slowly with his eyes closed tightly.

"So Tanya, remind me how long you've been after my mate? Ninety years give or take a couple isn't it?" I asked her "And in all that time you have never, using your own words got a rise out of him"

As I spoke, I came up behind Edward and wrapped my arms slowly around his waist. Feeling him quiver ever so slightly. I spread my hands flat on his stomach and gently rubbed small circles with my fingertips. He gasped quietly as I slid one hand lower, running it down the front of his thigh and back up to his groin and happily I felt him stiffen below my fingers. Which given this golden opportunity, I didn't resist.

Giving him a gentle squeeze. This was good but I needed a bigger reaction, pardon the pun. I knew he was nervous, embarrassed, probably a little scared too. Whispering soothing words of love and encouragement, then without letting go of him, I played my ace, the mate card so to speak. I looked directly at Tanya saying both firmly and slightly aggressively,

"This Tanya is mine!"

At that statement, Edward went from a very nice semi to fully erect in my hand. The whole room exploded into applause and Edward turned and lifted me into his arms. Giving me a passionate kiss as I wrapped my legs around his waist and felt his obvious pleasure pushing against my own body. Tanya huffed loudly as everyone else laughed and cheered. As Edward made a dash for the stairs I called over his shoulder,

"It's over Tanya; don't make me have to take your head off after I'm changed!"