Twas the Night Before Belsnickle's Christmas

Twas the Night Before Belsnickel's Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, except my pet mouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that my former boss soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds.

I loomed over them, shaking an open jar of lice onto their heads.

Mamma was blind from wearing her eye mask.

I burped in her face after a swig from my eggnog filled flask.

Dad was snoring as loud as a banshee.

My pet mouse scattered droppings from Dad's toes to his knees.

I drank and ate until the cabinets were bare.

Then onto the plate of cookies for Santa, shook my dandruff filled hair.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I ran to the living room window knowing what was the matter.

While pulling the curtain back, I was filled with dread.

I saw eight flying reindeer and the man clothed in red.

More rapid than eagles his reindeer they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!

On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONNER and BLITZEN!"

Then Santa led his reindeer from the lawn to the roof.

Soon I heard the prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

Time to hide in the closet, I'd better be quick.

I knew in a moment soon would enter St. Nick.

I peeked through a crack in the closet door, barely enough space to gaze around,

When down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His joy overflowed. He was so merry!

I wanted to vomit, like after eating a rotten cherry.

He sang while he worked, as fast as lightning were his moves.

It took all my patience not to shout a chorus of boos.

He was as chubby and plump and unobservant as ever.

And my plans to undo his goodness were indeed quite clever.

As he looked all around and couldn't spot a hair on my head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.

A sneeze had escaped out of my nose,

But after a quick glance at his good deeds, up the chimney he rose.

While he climbed and prepared for flight,

I got to work undoing his good deeds of the night.

The gifts were flung into the newly lit fireplace.

The stockings were filled with coal at a quick pace.

Into the doilies I blew my nose,

And let my pet mouse bite off the trimmings of the nails on my toes.

Then scattered them around in case of toddlers with bare feet.

To ruin Santa's reputation, oh what a treat.

I consider more mischief, but to the next house I must hurry.

To ruin Christmas and Santa's good name, my mouse and I scurry.

By now Santa has moved on, and I exclaim as I race out of sight,

"A ruined Christmas to all, and to all a Belsnickel night!"