Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Status at time of review: 3 chapters posted (plus 1 handy glossary)
Author's Summary
What would you do if your mortal brother was hopelessly single beyond help?
Fox demon Crystal is the Matchmaker God Yue Lao's primary disciple, though she doesn't act like it- she slacks off on spinning duty, has a problem with authority figures and absolutely refuses to cultivate her qi. When Yue Lao's Most Ineligible Mortal of the Year is revealed to be a certain Amon Gu, Crystal is entrusted with the task to turn his fate around. But Amon is not a mere mortal to her, and the closer they become, the harder it is for Crystal to keep it secret from him.
A struggling artist and author, Amon Gu draws and writes of the demons he sees in his dreams, particularly the fox demons. After surviving a wacky blind date disaster, he meets Crystal, a strange woman who claims to want to help him with his failure of a love life. Stranger still, she swears that the few women who even look twice in his direction are real demons.
With an eccentric god monitoring their fates, immortal family drama, and demons out for Amon's flesh, both Crystal and Amon find their eyes opened to a world of catastrophic dates, celestial secrets and long-hidden resentments. *Irregular updates
First Impressions.
Amon Gu has just been declared "Most Ineligable Mortal of the Year" and it's now up to fox demon Crystal to turn his fate around! A world of catastrophic dates, celestial secrets and long-hidden resentments awaits as this mere mortal works his way unknowingly into her heart.
This cover shows both the beauty and underlying sassy personality of Crystal's character. I personally really enjoy the heart additions. In an more straight forward romance book, it might seem cliche - but here it serves to reinforce the fact that Crystal's duty is towards the Matchmaker God. The white on red background is a classic romance genre combination, and the bold typeface is clear and striking. The title itself does the rest - outright stating that this is a fox demon story. If that doesn't immediately invoke shapeshifting folklore magic, I don't know what will!
The summary has a fun strap-line, and immediately tells me this is a romance book will have some comedic elements. I do wonder if the 'brother' aspect doesn't slightly detract from the summary, and the question to my eye makes it seem like Crystal is very enthusiastic about the prospect (which the rest of the summary will reinforce to you is not the case). I'd be tempted to alter the tense to be almost a quote, rather than a question e.g. "This mortal is hopelessly single and beyond mundane help!" The reasoning is twofold, firstly, the questioning angle conflicts with what I've read of Crystal's character - her willingness to help isn't exactly out of the goodness of her heart. Secondly, using a word like mundane or normal reinforces that this will be a supernatural/folklore tale, and that Crystal is his only hope. I also feel a little refinement might be in order for Amon's paragraph. It's less about his set up and seems to start half way though his story. Personally I'd focus more on what makes him so ineligible, telling us more about him, before ending on his meeting Crystal who claims to be his salvation. The final sentence: "Stranger still, she swears that the few women who even look twice in his direction are real demons" does not really flow with the earlier summary - it's become too much about Crystal, and not really about Amon at all, in my opinion. I love the final paragraph - it sets the reader up for what's in store without spoiling too much of the adventures ahead.
As opening lines go, I felt so distracted by the golden sunlight hitting the moon temple, and I wasn't sure if it was deliberately intended to be slightly jarring to the reader in order to unsettle them for the supernatural journey ahead. Or if that's just my own over analysing! Moon temples to me are something I associate with cool blue tones, rather than warm golden rays. But the imagery of the red lanterns and the glittering creek evokes an idyllic setting that more than sets up the folklore tale. It's the kind of opening that shines a light on the beauty of the setting, and sets up the story, rather than snappily grabbing you by the eyes. But that soft entrancing setting can be just as compelling and fits the mood of the story far better. It tells me I will hopefully be reading more descriptive passages, which I love in a story like this.
Selling Points.
The story is funny, whether it's the sheer laziness of Crystal's hard work, the master's complaints of how all his disciples keep falling in love and leaving him, or the website reviews of their matchmaking service, there's always a laugh in every chapter.
The beauty of Crystal's world is lovely. The orchards and the palace. The peach blossoms. It would also be a fun idea to contrast the decadence of this with the dreariness of the mortal world. To show how heavenly it is in comparison.
I really enjoyed the characterisation and description of the different demons. The way Crystal smooths the fur of her foxtail. The way the bunny demon's buns imitate her ears. Those details get a little lost in later demons we face, but I would encourage you to add more of those elements as they both help the reader to distinguish the characters as well as adding more richness to the world you're describing. I also love the personalities of Crystal and her master.
The glossary is super useful! I really liked seeing that additional detail in the story. If you've ever watched KungFuPanda, you'll finally know why Shifu is called that! I'd consider having keywords at the top of each chapter as well though, so that readers don't need to lose their place just to look up a word.
Consider This.
I'm not a huge fan of shifting from first person to third person and back. Shifting point of view is normal, but it's rare to find a story that does both, and even rarer to find a story which does both and accomplishes it well. My advice would be to pick one narrative style, and then really focus on the personalities and thoughts of each character to make them more distinctive if a clear separation in point of view is what you're after.
The scene where Amon is having a disaster date, I think you can have a lot more fun with. We're told that his date is a few facets short of a gemstone (love this analogy), but we don't see why. We're told why, but we don't get to experience it really, and it seems like an opportunity to ramp up the comedic element, as well as telling us more about Amon and why he keeps soldiering on through the date regardless.
I'd also like to have a few more hints about why Crystal is so sure she wont fall in love with him. It strikes me as interesting that Diamond and Crystal are so similar in name, and it made me wonder if the summary's mention of 'brother' was in fact a literal one instead? In which case, why keep it a secret from the reader in the story if it's there in the first line of the summary? Equally, it's good to let the reader speculate, but a little more reasoning behind Crystal's investment in him would go a long way. Why does she care about him? Is she disappointed that he's been labelled this way? She doesn't really show her anger or shock or any emotion aside from demanding from her master to know why and then not receiving an answer. We'd like to read about her feelings on the matter.
Equally, Amon's feelings could do with a bit more articulation. He's been dreaming about her for years - that could be an excellent joke. He was mid-way through a terrible date when the literal girl of his dreams walks in. He's clearly excited to meet her, and then suddenly he's asking her why she knows so much about him whilst also wondering if she knows him? This would also be a good way to build on Amon's character a little more, as at the moment I don't really know much about him.
When and where would I read it again?
I would love to read this when it's a little more completed to see all the promised twists and turns. The first few chapters are always more of a set up for the story, but I've really enjoyed what I've seen so far. I'd like to read this again when there's been a bit more development of Amon, so we can find out why he was so ineligible! For readers looking for a lighthearted comedy romance, this is the book for you.
