༆ 𝐒𝐇𝐈.𝐓 𝐎𝐍 𝐌𝐘 𝐌.𝐈𝐍𝐃 ⚠︎

I'm sorry mom.

TW!!!
OVERDOSE, SUICIDE, ABUSE, ANGST
DO NOT READ IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT!

sitting on my bed once again, body leaned against the wall aswell as my head leaned back. my brown orbs just staring at the white ceiling above me. it was dark in my room, once again one of those times where I feel like doing nothing, just feeling emotionless and unmotivated. but I got used to it, not like its any different than any other day.

but this time however, I felt stomping towards my room. I recognized the footsteps, mom, what's wrong this time? then the door abruptly busted open. my eyes darted from the ceiling towards the door, staring at the woman standing there in confusion.

"IT'S ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT! IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME! YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU FUCKING MISTAKE!" she shouted at me in anger. this time my eyes were wide, she had never shouted at me like this. then she ran out, I could hear her footsteps and heard how the car started up along with a door slamming.

alone once again, like every other day, its nothing new. well, thats a lie. I've never had a panic attack like this one, while she was away there was only silence in my head along with throughout the house, but that silence was just so loud.

I wasn't really one to cry, especially not in situations like this when someone would already be screaming at me for what I had done wrong in life. but this time I could feel my vision get blurry and the hot tears that were spilling down my face and staining my cheeks.

from the bedroom I went to my bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror. how long has it been since I've actually showed some emotion towards my mom? I haven't appreciated her enough, have I? I can't fix my lack of empathy, I'm really trying.
aren't i?

the next thing I know was that blood was dripping down my wrist, a blade in my left hand while I placed cuts on my right arm. I had gotten over this, when wad the last time I cut myself? why am I even doing this? am I doing this to focus more on the physical pain than the mental and emotional one?

but that wasn't really helping either, the blade dropped from my hand as I clutched my chest. feeling my heartbeat as my sobbing got louder, I just couldn't help it.

what can I do to get rid of this pain? is there even a way to? why is life so unfair? the unbearable silence finally passed when I came to a realization.

what if im, not really needed in this world?

I remembered.
im not needed. I get bad grades, I disappointed my family. its all my fault they're not happy. its my fault dad left and we broke apart. its my fault mom had to do everything alone. its my fault mom struggled so much just to keep me fed and I just failed.
It's all my fault.

suddenly the ringing in my ears was gone. I remember, we have pills in the kichen which I have to take daily, my anti-depressants. my mom told me that if I take too many, I may die. but isn't that what's so good about them? she doesn't want me anyways, I don't have anywhere to go.

I then got to the kitchen and found the pills. I took a piece of paper and a pen before going to the livingroom and sitting down on the couch, placing everything on the table. I clicked the pen before I started writing.

" Dear mom,
im sorry you had to do all of this just for me,
I finally realized something. something incredibly important. I am not needed in this world,
you always told me how I was your world
but that was a long time ago. I'm sorry I
didn't realize this sooner, since its your birthday
today I wanted to give you a gift. something even money can't buy. I decided to take my own life.
I hope you live a happy life without me, maybe dad will even come back. im sorry mom, I didn't mean for
any of this to happen. I didn't mean to ruin your life.
please forgive me.

-your daughter.  "

and with that I placed the pen down, tears streaming down my face and falling onto the paper and probably staining it. but that didn't matter now.

my eyes traveled back to the pills, a small smile appearing on my face as I imagined my happy mom and my dad I hadn't ever met together, glad that I was gone and didn't exist anymore.

with that, I stuffed myself with the pills. the plastic container ended up being empty in the end. my eyes slowly closed as the container dropped out of my hand and landed on the floor.

"I'm sorry mom."