Dreamless

A HEAVY HEART AND MIND

Everybody has dreams. Dreams of what they want to become, what they want to do. But there are some people who don't have this previlage. There are some people who step into this ruthless world without knowing what they want to do, without knowing where they want to stand in near future and to be that person is terrifying. When everybody talks about the person they aspire to be, the person they want to be, you can just stand there thinking that why in world was I even born. This person with no hope, no dream, no aspirations is me. An 19 year old girl who has no idea about what to do, where to go, who to seek help from. So let me first give you a bit of background check. So My name is Sanya Awasthi, a 19 year old ,fat (quite literally I'm not lying, I weight a lot), average looking Indian girl with super curly black hair. I have always been average in whatever I do no matter how hard I work no matter what I do I'm always average. I have a loving family with grandparents, parents and a younger brother. And yes i live together with them all. Being from a middle class Indian family is hard in certain aspects especially if you are the elder child. All the expectations and hope of your parents lies on you. Now I'm not complaining but it's hard. I have always done what my parents wanted me to. My parents love me especially my dad he never scolds me and that is what hurts knowing that even if their heart is crushing they will never scold me. So it's been a year since I complete high school and a year of me preparing for the Medical Entrance Exam because my dad wanted me to. That was the worst decision I ever made because neither was I able to clear the entrance exam nor was I able to pursue something u want to do. I'm hopeless, dreamless at this point all the dream I had were slowly either rejected or not respected by my family. I mean not that my parents will directly say no to me but they show their disappointed about my choices. I have nothing that I actually want to be at this point . My dad wants me to keep trying for the exam until I crack it but I don't wanna waste another year trying for something I don't wanna do. This created a havoc in the Awasthi household.
Flashback
Today is the result of the entrance exam. I'm FUCKING scared. I never counted my marks or matched my paper because I was so scared to do so. I woke up.. Umm wait I never slept. So I got up of my bed showered and did my business  and went downstairs to meet my family . The result was already out and I was sweating. I slowly got my laptop and checked my result. It was a 506. I was heartbroken. I couldn't stop the overflowing rivers of tears that were falling from my eyes. My dad asked me for the result and I passed him my laptop to see his face fell. It was tensed for a minute. Nobody talking,no sound other than my ragged breathing and  low sniffles . But after a minute my dad suddenly says, "It's OK kid. No need to worry. You can just prepare for another year. I'm ready to support you." My mom continues saying,"Yeah, it's not like your  life is ending. Buckle up. It's OK. Try harder next time." I said an OK and left to go to my room. When I reached my room I closed my door (but didn't lock it as I was not allowed to do so unless I'm changing) and started crying. I kept on crying and lost track of time. I came out of my state of mental death when my mom called me for dinner. That was when I realized I spent a whole day crying..