●●●
soon everyone arrived and it became damn noisy. felix was sitting in his room, trying to focus on his biology book (he'd never even opened the book), and all that noise wasn't much of a help.
he sighed, closed the book with a thud and decided to head downstairs where all the action was.
"why am i doing this..." he grunted under his breath.
he finally found seungmin in the living room, talking to probably his friends.
he called felix as soon as he noticed him, "oh, finally you show up! guys," he faced the small group, "this is my brother, felix."
they exchanhed small 'hi's and 'nice to meet you's and felix was already feeling drained. he hated small talk. it made him nervous.
he heated towards the teacher. on the counter stood some drinks and near them a big circle of people. they were laughing, arguing, dancing; obviously drunk.
he took one cup, filled it to the top and let the warm liquid sink into him like an anchor thrown into the sea.
he wished it would make him forget.
his vision got blurry (or maybe it was the world that was playing tricks on him). he turned around, the loud bass sound pounding inside his ears, but then, he froze.
in the crowd... that beautiful smile, those crescent eyes, dark hair...
"...hyunjin..?" the boy turned around. it truly was him. he stared wide eyed into felix, then his eyes saddened. he turned away.
suddenly felix's view was blocked. a big, massive guy bumped into him with a low grunt. "ey, little boy, watch your way."
"i'm sorry..." tears had started falling. he pushed his way out of the crowd. looking every side for the boy. he got into the backyard, that's when he saw him, standing there by the face, looking up the night sky.
it was 2 am.
"hynjin!"
the boy slowly turned around, he visibly wasn't surprised to see the younger.
he turned his sight back to the sky, felix hestitatly joining by his side. god, he missed his presence.
"what the..."
"i'm sorry lix." he cut him off, gaze traveling between the bright, glowy dots. "i'm sorry for running away like that, without saying any word."
"why... why did you run away?"
"...just, just to think over... things. and you know, refresh my mind."
"that's..." felix's fist clenched into tight two balls, the anger suddenly coming into him out of nowhere like a gunshot.
"THAT'S BULLSHIT!" hynjin faced him, shock (and scare) in his eyes. "that's such a bullshit! you suddenly disappeared for a month, no one knows where you are, and now you're telling me it's all because you wanted to refresh your mind? then you could have done yoga or something!"
"lix..."
"do you now how lonely i felt? how my panic attacks became much worse because of how much i worried about you? i even thought you might have died... i had no one, no one by my side. again..."
"i'm sorry..."
"no you're not. because you don't know how it feels. you don't know how painful it feels to lose something, someone so precious to you not once but twice. and i had to hide those feelings, because no one would have understood me anyway! i didn't even tell seungmin-"
"felix." hyunjin looked the blonde dead in the eye. he was grave serious, nothing like his usual self.
"i know. do you think i had someone by my side that whole month? no. all i could think about was how much I wanted to be with you and that hurt like hell. that's why i disappeared like that."
"because of me..?"
hyunjin said nothing.
"oh my god... what, why... what did i do-"
"you just were yourself, felix." he cupped the pale face into his hands. "you are... the most precious human being i've ever met. your smile makes me smile. your words make me feel understood and complete. just your presence makes me feel uneasy, that weird feeling is always in my stomach when you're with me... even now."
he embraced the boy, pulling him tightly to his chest.
"and all of that... made me fucking scared. after a while. i- i knew... i-"
felix put his head in the crook of his neck. hyunjin smelled like fresh coffee mixed with raspberries. he liked that.
"i knew i loved you."
hyunjin burst into tears and pulled away. when he looked up, there was nothing but hatred and disgust in his eyes; and it wasn't directed to the boy in front of him - but to himself.
"i didn't want to believe it. i thought i'm just making things up, that it was just a brotherly love, you know." he laughed bitterly.
"but after a while, i realised those feelings wouldn't go away. instead, they grew bigger. i was scared shitless. i didn't want that. i thought there's something wrong with me, felix..."
felix listened to every word so intensely, his skull was pounding due to the alcohol he'd drunk and the tears he'd shed.
but there was something that told him to do it, some voice calling him that he should...
he pressed his lips onto hyunjin's. the boy stood frozen in place, their tears mixed, lips worked against each other in a lazy manner.
he pulled away, couldn't look into his eyes.
"how do you feel about it now..?"
hyunjin furrowed his eyebrows, he bit his lip furiously. "it's wrong. it's wrong, felix. it's wrong. we shouldn't have..." he saw the look in the younger's eyes. it hit him like a sting in the heart - so painful and toxic, infecting every part of your body.
"i get it. you don't have to say anything." felix ran thought the entrance, pass the shouting crowds. hyunjin tried to follow him, but with a blink of an eye - the boy was gone.
he thought it's over and he lost him forever. and that thought itself hurt him more than anything.
when he pictured his life without felix, his sunshine, by his side... no, he couldn't let that happen. he knew, he had to do something.
then he saw one person in the crowd and he regained the hope.
"seungmin!"
~~~
a/n
how are we all feeling lol?
