Infatuated

Do you ever just sit there and wonder how lucky you are? Or if you had already met the person you are going to marry someday? Have you ever even wondered who you are going to be in the future? What about how many kids you and your husband are gonna have?

There's always one question, that you won't be sure of. Or one question that you cannot answer. Life's got a whole bunch of twists and turns so there really is no answer to any of your questions. In maths class you have to come up with one solution for every question. Well what if you're hiding to many things to come up with a solution? What if you can't make up your mind and can't choose an answer?

What if you're so lost inside all your lies to come up with an answer? What if you're so infactuated with something that your blind to see the truth behind it?

As my train rolls down the east coast I wonder how you keep warm. It's too late to cry. Too broken to move on. And still I can't let you be... Most nights I hardly sleep. Don't take what you don't need from me. I'm much stronger than what you expect... Heck, I'm lying right now. I just need you to come back.. Or at least send somebody to fill in that hole in my chest...

So then I can be infactuated again, and not drowsy, not whimpering in the corner...

Nothing.

Thats all I can feel.

 

Do you ever just sit there in class and write notes to somebody who can't see them? Do you tap the back of your pencil on the middle of the paper in frustration, as you know that they can't see you writing the note out of struggle? Do you ever just wonder if you were gone, would people care? What if you are the loser out of the school? Would people notice me then?

What if I just ended everything right now? Would the teachers care? Would my parents care?

The real question is would anyone care?

Dear, whoever reads this when they come in my room:

This is... My suicide note. Now you're probably wondering why I'm writing this.. It's because my life absolutely sucks and I just can't handle anymore lies that I'm saying or secrets that I'm keeping.

My life is all a joke.

Now you're probably thinking how selfish this is. And indeed. This is the most selfish thing I've done but in reality, it's for everyone else's good.

So take care...

Love, forever and always,

Natalia Kimberly Hamilton.

I dropped the pen I was using and choked back a sob. This was it.

The last time I would see the worlds glorious sunrise and sunsets. The last time I would ever say hello to somebody. The last time I would ever be in this body.

Here goes nothing.

I popped the first pill in my mouth. Then the second. Then the third. And so on until the 26th pill. Everything started to get blurry and I could hear the distant shouts from my mother, trying to get my door open. It then fell in making a huge noise that I could ever so softly hear.

The last things I felt, heard or touched was my father's hands, carrying me bridal style towards the car and my mother's sobs.

Then everything went bright white.