If one day I let you read this. Which means that is my final thoughts, words, and feelings for you.
You can read it if you want to, but if you don't want to read it, well its okay. Its my fault that I broke all the promises to you. I broke all the trust that you've given to me. I'm so sorry. But everything I wrote here is all what I thought with all the times that I spent with you.
I'm sorry if I start ghosting you. It wasn't my intention at the first place. I just told myself giving a a lot of chances to you was the only thought of me that I could change you, change your feelings to love me more, to need me more, to depend on me more, to be one of your support in your daily life. But I was wrong enough to imagined those. I thought of myself, was my effort for this year to change you, to let you move on from your previous relationship, to let you feel that you're with me, to feel safe, loved with me worth all my effort? But I guess it's not. I couldn't even change that. I'm so sorry.
All those rejection of yours, all your short reply gives me second thought of "I'm going to give you chances, but if you still do those to me, I'll stop". But again, my mind keeps on telling me, give him second chances, he will be fine and won't doing those. But if you received this letter sooner or later, mind me for being rude but I've had enough of giving chances. I have no intention not to care for you, your life. But after the long argument we had before, the whole day of crying session of mine, everything happened was my fault and it changes the way we view each other.
I might be selfish. Selfish enough to let my egos high, I can't be a good ear, a good listener to you. I'm so sorry. I want to be the person that you could depend on with your problems, your life problems, your family, your friendship but again you didn't let me to be one of your place that you could depend on. You ever told me, I'm important person for you but the actions you gave me was only words.
Everything we do together, it was so precious to me. The first time we met, the first time I knew you. I didn't imagined that i could be happy with you all of those little things. I couldn't imagined i could fall for you this hard. But knowing everything about you without seeing your looks, it was the most amazing thing. From whoever you are, i fell in love with your characteristics. Your part in life is all what I've dreamt as my little girl dreamy except you are not Chinese HAHAHA.
Do you still remember the time you told me " if you're mine sooner or later sama juak" idk if it fits this situation. But without effort it won't happen. I've giving my effort but tbh I lose. I couldn't continue the journey. I tried my best. Again, i couldn't change your mind.
You know the first time you told me "goodnight syg, sweet drm, sleep right sweetheart, kmk syg ktk yang, mek yang ktk, I wanna hug n kiss ur head gik" It was the best moment of my life could happened. Even though that time I didn't think I could fall for you. But I just did. I still remember we talked about everything until you confessed. It was unexpected from you saying "Sik mok heart jak , i want u. Ure mine" I get butterflies to be honest. That's when I slowly open my heart for you. Yes. I admit, I kind of takut to see you at first. But after all the talks, the catchy session, slowly benda ya didn't affect me that much but I still takut with you hahaha. Im human too kan so it was normal.
I know at first, everything went smooth until the day i want to know what are we, are we together or are you even mine. That's when we slowly we hurt with each other. You still remember all conflicts that we had last time until we are okay few days later, i even asked you "sik rindu kmk ka" but that time ktk macam do nothing. And the next day you end up telling me you miss me with that long texts that i didn't expect to have that moment. That morning was really good for me. It was full with flowers i told you.
I really hate myself if i didn't get your text. I hate that i couldn't even communicate with you. I know you're busy with uni stuffs but i really love to communicate with you. I do love when you tell me even a short text " im busy today". It was short and i understand. You don't have to say anything anymore because i understand how busy you might this final year. But its okay, i know. I understand. Those short text is enough for me not to overthink about my existence in your life. But let bygone be bygone. But if you found someone sooner or later! Don't forgot tell her ! Its a big help for your girl not to overthinking!!
But whatever we had the moment we are together this year, or a year before or still this year. If it was given to you at the end of 2020, I'm sorry and happy new year. If it was given to you in the year of 2021 , again happy new year and happy Chinese new year. About our flirt, secrets, old past,life problems and you only know, let them become our memories now and forever okay ?
I guess my letter ends here. But whatever you do in the future, I trust you could do those with your effort okay? I still trust you in whatever you do. I'm sorry if I'm not there with you thru your sad moments, your bad moments, your happy moments, you deserved someone better than i do. Thank you for your offer of you'll be there whenever i need people the most. I appreciate that the most. I'm sorry if i felt like you're taking me for granted but please make those I care for you is a love language from me okay?! At some thoughts, maybe the truth i really want to commit myself to others. Like maybe I'm at the age of I'm tired meeting new people under some circumstances. It was my fault I accept you and lying to myself I doesn't want to commit. But at some point, the way I act, I really want to commit. Try to commit. But let bygones be bygones okay?! Eventually, everything of us really ends here. Thank you sebab exist in my life. Your existences really meant a lot in my life.
If right now isn't for us, i pray we meet again. And if its not, I wish you find your happiness. I love you.
