Getting Too Close? [ONF ff]

Keeping Distance

//This story contains depression, suicidal thoughts and drinking problems. Just a warning.

//also !!There are Explicit scenes!!

Man, me from the future here. This is a very old story but i'm not about deleting things just cuz they are a tad poor in comparison to now. I hope it's still fun, but i do warn for slightly awkward writing and mistakes...

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Everyday is a pain, a gamble. Every truck that passes, every train rumbling by is an invitation. An invitation, beckoning me to end it all.

Should I? Why Shouldn't I?

Changyun walked around town aimlessly, not knowing where he was going, as long as it wasn't home. At home, he had responsibilities, he had to act normal, he had to stay focused. These days, staying focused was hard. It always played on his mind, how he had the power to just end it all. Just one action and everything would be finished, taken care of. But he didn't have the courage, even that he couldn't do.

He always heard his brain egg him on. Whenever he picked up a knife, just one inch. On the top floor looking out a window, just one step. Yet, when the opportunity arose, he didn't go through with it. He was scared, he thought of people around him, how it might hurt them. He wasn't worth it, he wasn't worth ruining other people, it felt selfish.

So he kept on going, but lately it got hard. The voices got louder and more convincing, making Changyun more and more tired having to fight everyday. He wanted to drown them out. He wandered into a 7-11, noticed a worker glaring at him and looked at the clock, they were almost closing. Changyun strolled towards the soju isle, grabbing two of the nearest bottles that seemed sweet and strong. He paid and walked out, finding a bench.

The best way to drown out the thoughts, was to forget them completely.

I should stop soon, one isn't even enough anymore.

Changyun sighed, putting the first bottle to his lips, taking a swig until it burned in his throat. He found himself in this situation often, at least whenever he got the chance. He didn't have an addictive personality, so he wasn't reliant just yet, he didn't want to let it get to that point. Sometimes, just sometimes, he didn't want to fight

Half an hour had passed, he sat back and looked at the sky cradling his, now half empty, second bottle. His brain had turned woosy and the world was more quiet. He felt peace, breathing in deeply, taking in the freedom.

Silence.

He downed the rest of the second bottle, got up and almost fell over, catching himself on the armrest of the bench. He definitely drank too fast, but anything to make it hit harder.

Get yourself together, the others will worry.

Stumbling back to his apartment, he was disappointed. No matter the promises he made with himself, to not drink or drink less. To try better and stay home for a night, he always broke them one way or another. Today again, he took this way out, giving into the urges to destroy himself. It came in waves. He felt decent enough months ago, but lately he started to feel worse again. It being so out of his control was frustrating.

Why am I like this again now?

He opened the door and saw Minkyun sitting in the living room alone. Another reason he didn't want to go home. Minkyun flashed a loving smile and Changyun's guilt flared up together with the butterflies. Without saying a word, he headed straight to his room. His room was small. A two person bed, a desk and a closet was all that filled it. He didn't bother taking off his clothes and just pulled the blanket over his head.