The Last Days Of Senior Year

What A Way To End The Year (1)

Khafi Drew

'Just a few weeks ago... I definitely tried to kill myself,' the thought finally settled in as I blankly started out the window.

+ A month and a half ago+

I ran up the stairs with tears streaming down my face, causing me to stumble on a few steps, nearly falling. My thoughts ran more than seventy miles an hour as the scene I had witnessed minutes prior played in my head. I couldn't believe my own eyes, I had stood there for at least thirty seconds, trying to figure out why my own head was playing tricks on me.

I wasn't drunk, I hadn't even been there long enough to take a sip of liquor. I wasn't high like I usually would be on a Friday night, my mind wasn't everywhere. But as I started at the two bodies that seemed to not get enough of each other I wished my body was anywhere but there. I wished I had taken up the offer of getting stoned in my room, I wished I hadn't berated myself and forced myself to act like a decent human being that night.

I hadn't even noticed I was pulling incredibly tight in my hair until a person pulled my hand away. I looked towards the owner with blood shot eyes. A blurry form shifted awkwardly in front of me. From the height, to the broad shoulders, to the faint smell of cologne, I recognised the person to be my older brother.

'Fuck,' I thought.

~

My older brother couldn't give a damn about me. He constantly picked at every corner until he found another reason to hate me. So when he was the one to barge into my pity party, saying I was shocked would be an understatement. I sputtered incoherent words that were cut short but my choked sobs.

My brother, Mike, shifted awkwardly with a poor excuse for a sympathetic smile on his face. His previously retracted hands had found themselves buried deep into his trousers' pockets.

"So- fuck- what's up?" Mike asked, reluctantly taking a seat on my bed.

I wasn't the kind of person to spill on anything, especially not to my brother. But at that moment, my dam broke. A fresh flow of tears streamed down my cheeks, forming new streaks in my face. For the first time in what felt like forever, I opened up, to my brother nonetheless.

~

He forced my rant to an abrupt pause. The pity ingested look he had on quickly morphed into one of disgust. "She? What do you mean she?!" He practically yelled. At that moment, I knew I fucked up, I knew years of keeping this pending had finally caught up with me.

I knew very well that my brother was a homophobic asshole. He made no effort to hide his distaste with the LGBTQ+ community. Our parents never sided with him but they never verbally told him off either, so I assumed they felt the same.

I looked like a deer caught in headlights. My hands stopped fidgeting and I swear I felt my heart stop for a second.

"Look, Mike I-" my words fell on deaf ears. Mike rose his right hands dangerously high and before I knew it, my head was forcefully turned and my cheek stung painfully.

I couldn't begin to mention the string of insults Mike threw my way before leaving me alone. His words cut deeper than any razor, he literally added salt to my heavily bleeding wounds.

That was when I snapped. That was when I decided I was done with being strong. I understood everyone had their own fights and that I should just hold on, but I threw reasoning out the window.

I wasn't a fighter and that night I lost a war.

I can't remember what happened after Mike left the room, but I sure as heck remember waking up. White walIs I all too familiar with and a heavily think scent of medication. With a turn of my head, I was quick to find my mother. Her head laid by my side, keeping her face hidden from my view, her fingers entwined with mine tightly. Apart from the constant beeping noise I heard, my mother's soft prayers created almost inaudible whispers.

My throat hurt so I guessed I had been there for a while. "M-mom..." it came out hoarse but I was sure she heard me.

Her head shot up, revealing bloodshot eyes, a stuffed nose and worry wrinkles on her forehead. She had me in her arms in less that a second. I could do nothing but accept her embrace as she mumbled thank you over and over again.

"Oh my baby~" she cooed, still holding me tight.

+Present+

The doctors advised my parents to keep me in the hospital, but I opted for mere suicide watch. As much as I wouldn't like people breathing down my neck, if I had failed to end my life, I wouldn't miss my finals. The little pride I had wouldn't let me skip this year and have me do it with the current juniors.

My parents were hesitant, especially my mother, but after the right words they were coaxed into it.

So, there I was, a worried mother and father in my tail as they both accompanied me to school when I was finally allowed to go.

'Yeah... what a way to end senior year.'