Save Me (Levi x OC)

Chapter 5

My eyelids flew open as I bounced into the air, momentarily weightless. We must be heading back to the Wall already, I thought to myself too exhausted to sit up properly, but curious enough to know what exactly was happening. I pushed myself into a somewhat upright position, lifting my head off of what seemed to be someone's spare cloak, rearranged to create a makeshift pillow. I was lying on the bottom of one of the wagons that the expedition brought along, the creaking wooden boards groaning with every bump that they withstood. Each lump in the road caused the entire wagon to shake, all of its contents softly bouncing up and down. I groaned softly as the wagon trembled again,  more aware of my injuries now that all of the adrenaline was gone. 

In front of me lay a few more soldiers, all injured and definitely in worse shape than me, and I smiled softly, relieved to know that even those who seemed hopeless had survived. I placed my hands on the floor of the wagon, trying to push myself up slowly so that I'd have a better view of the land that we traveled over. Even that small movement was enough to make me grimace, but I forced myself to sit on the small bench near the edge of the wagon that was currently occupied by a dozing Captain Levi. The bench shifted a little as I sat down, and the captain slowly opened one eye, almost like a cat waking up from a nap. His lips stretched into a small smile as he saw me sit on the bench beside him, almost as if he were relieved, but the grin disappeared just as quickly as it came.

The bench creaked as the wagon kept rolling towards the Wall at a steady pace, and the awkward silence between the captain and myself seemed to stretch for eternity. Eventually, I felt the bench shift again as he turned to face me.

"You did well today." His voice, although monotone as usual, almost sounded proud. 

"I could've done better," I replied, shaking my head to keep today's terror from recreating itself in my mind. "I could've saved them."

"Yes, you could've." I spun around to face Captain Levi, way faster than I should've, immediately regretting the action as pain shot through my spine. "You could've saved them, but then you'd be dead."

Tears started welling up in my eyes. "I don't care if I would've been dead! Petra and Eld and Gunther and Olou would've survived and that would've been enough!" I screamed back at the captain, my vision turning red, but I didn't know if it was from rage or from pain. He had to understand. He had to know what it was like, knowing that so many people would have lived if only you were there. "That would've been enough," I cried out quietly, my voice cracking as I let the agony of today's events fully wash over me.

"It wouldn't have. If you had gone to help them, then the Female Titan would've just killed you too." His voice was too calm, too emotionless, considering he was talking about his own dead squad.

"You don't know that. If I were with them, we could have all made it," I said feebly, the argument sounding weak even to myself. "It's your fault for sending me away."

I must've struck something within the captain, because he grabbed my shoulders, forcing me to fully face him, ignoring as I winced in pain. "Go on and blame me," he countered, eyes narrowing, "but know that if I hadn't ordered you to protect Eren, both you and him would be dead by now."

The tears that I fought so hard to hold back flew freely as the captain stated what I knew all along, but still refused to believe. Knowing that my dearest friends died for a noble cause didn't change the fact that they were still dead. I should've cherished those last days before the expedition. I should've known this would happen. All I could do was try my best to fight back the feeling of disappointment with myself that took me over. Disappointment that I let down my friends, and they wound up dead. Disappointment that I couldn't even protect Eren. Disappointment that I was crying my eyes out in front of my captain even though all he did was state a known fact. I didn't deserve to be on Captain Levi's squad. I was too weak.

There it is again. Weak. I was too weak to save my father. I was too weak to stop my mother from leaving. Too weak to help my sister grow up well. And now, I was too weak to even hide my tears. I was weak and useless. 

Stop crying. Wasting tears won't bring back dead people. I tried to take a deep, calming breath, but all it did was make me shake even more. I'd forgotten about Captain Levi's hands on my shoulders until he suddenly gripped them harder, forcing me to flinch from the mild pain that his actions brought. With one hand, he raised my chin so that I'd meet his eyes with my own, and he, with his expressionless stare, spent a few moments almost searching my eyes, almost as if he were trying to read my thoughts.

"You did well today, Alexandra," he finally said, drawing his hands back from me, and despite the fact that his touch was cold, I almost missed the feeling of his hand on my shoulder. "It's only thanks to you that Eren is still alive. If it had been only me and Mikasa, we wouldn't have managed."

I nodded slightly, slowly raising my left arm to wipe the tears off my face. It was true; Mikasa and Captain Levi, although much better in combat, were completely hopeless when it came to first aid, and very few scouts actually knew how to successfully perform CPR. If I hadn't been there for Eren, the chance that he would've survived was much lower than I'd hoped. I whispered a quick 'thank you' under my breath directed to my father for teaching me even a little bit of what he knew. He'd probably be disappointed that I became a scout instead of following in his footsteps as a doctor, I thought to myself, smirking. Thinking about him always managed to cheer him up.

Captain Levi must've noticed I felt better, because he nodded curtly and turned himself to face the outside of the wagon once again as I did the same. I watched the landscape roll beneath us, hills of grass spreading farther than the eye could see as the Wall got closer and closer. The Wall. I wonder if there'll be a day when we'll be free from it. Probably not, but hoping can't hurt...

A million questions and theories flew through my head, most of which could probably be answered if I gathered the courage to actually talk to Hange, but I just couldn't. Something about Hange made me uncomfortable. Maybe it was her love for titans, or how willing she was to put others in danger for her experiments. Nevertheless, I had important information to give her, including the fact that the shifter that turned into the Female Titan had blonde hair, and was most likely not part of the Scout Regiment. 

Lost in thought, I only noticed that we had almost arrived at the Wall's gates, and that the scouts ahead of us already entered humanity's territory,  when Captain Levi's voice jerked me back from my thoughts.

"You'll be my second in command as of now, Alexandra." I blinked at him in surprise before remembering that as of right now, his squad contained only himself, Eren, and me. "Tomorrow morning, you'll be assisting me in choosing more members for the squad. I trust your judgement."

I nodded, my eyes sparkling as genuine happiness coursed through me despite all of today's events. "Of course, Captain Levi," I answered him with a salute.

"You're almost my rank now, Alexandra," he pointed out lazily. "Just Levi is fine."