Inbetween

Sexuality and Labels

Finding out:

I started to realize that I was different when I was 13. And to be honest it scared me...a lot. Practically my whole family is religious. Being how I am was not good news.

Me and my Mom have always had a strong relationship. We talk about everything. And I remember the exact moment that I told her about what I was feeling.

While I was waiting for my Mom to pick me up; I pondered over these thoughts and feelings. I pulled out my phone and searched it up: How to tell if your Bisexual.

I looked through numerous stories, all of which had different situations. Some knew from a very young age and some didn't find out until they were much older.

I looked up to see that my mother had pulled up to the Church. I quickly deleted my search, put my phone in my pocket and rushed out to the car.

Telling some of my family:

We were in the car. It was nighttime. We were coming back from Life Group at my Church. My sister-in-law, Mother, and younger sister were all talking; whilst I was deep in thought.

This can't be right? I can't be...bisexual. I'm not, nope this is just a phase. I'm straight. I'm so,so straight...right? No, no, no this can't happen.

The truth? This wasn't the first time that I had thought about this. The first time that I thought about... her.

I thought back on it. The way that I got nervous around her, how I blushed intensely. It all made sense.

We got to my Grandma's house to drop off my Sister-in-law. But before she got out of the car, I hesitantly spoke up.

"Can I tell you something?" The car grew silent. I drew in a deep breath.

I couldn't hold my thoughts in any longer. I needed somebody to hear me out. But deep down I needed somebody to talk me out of it so I could be"normal".

"I think that I might be bisexual."

Confusion and labeling:

The next few months were full of pure confusion and questioning. My brain couldn't stop thinking about this new found subject.

It was something that bothered me deeply but also something that I wanted to discover. So like most teens who go through this...I looked up a plethora of "Am I Gay?" or "What is my sexuality?" quizzes. And pretty much every time the same result popped up: Bisexual, Bisexual, Bisexual.

I frequently talked to my Mom about how I was feeling. And I also kept a journal. This helped quite a bit. If you don't have somebody to talk to, writing or drawing your feelings can really help. Or talking to God.

When I would go out in public there was this constant mental tug-of-war. I would see an attractive girl. Oh wow! She is pretty...maybe I'm a Lesbian.

And then of course I would see an attractive boy. Oh dang! He is fine. Oh no...what if I really am straight and I just convinced myself that I liked girls and that I just want attention and this whole thing is a phase?!

I have to label myself. I have to find a label that fits.

Some days I would label myself Bisexual. Some days I would feel Lesbian. I didn't really feel completely straight but I still always questioned if I was.

It was horrible. I felt like I needed a label so, so, so much that it was all I could think about. I really felt like I just needed to pick a side. (which is NOT true).

A few months later a lot changed. I FINALLY decided something that changed my whole mindset. You know what? I really don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to be sad and craze myself over a label...I will fall in love with who I fall in love with. Whether that is a boy or a girl. I don't need a label to love.

This helped tremendously. If you don't feel like you fit with a label. You don't have to obsess over it. I mostly identify as "Queer or Gay" (Seeing as right now I am only attracted to woman) And if you do feel comfortable with a certain label that's okay too! Whatever makes you feel yourself, comfortable, and happy.