Today was very productive from the time I woke up, all the way until about an hour ago. It feels good to get everything done on your time and at your pace; all day I just felt really dull. I think being busy takes away what really runs through my head every day. Which is really the same thing. Get to where you want to be. Get to where you want to be. On repeat. It sounds simple. Shit, it honestly could be simple, life got other plans and from my point of view, good things hide behind the most horrible things. Parents, bad luck, low self-esteem, suffocation, drought, lack of motivation. I mean, I could literally go on for what would feel like forever. I won't though because it won't make me one step closer to my goal or to feel better. I just need the space and esteem to get out of this black hole which just seems to grow deeper every second of the day. I just want out and the realization of me being the only one that could save me is understood but somehow not enough to make me become the change I want to be.
Like every situation, there is a bright side. I know that no matter what I will reach my goal. Physically and personally and I won't look back. The suffering and hard work will pay off and I will finally be able to breathe comfortably in my own skin and love the life I live. This is not only an achievement but a step up to feeling like something or somebody. To hear someone say, " oh I feel dull today," probably doesn't sound bad, but honestly, that shit is like breathing in hell fumes and exhaling dust. Over and over again. lollll shit. I got time.
I want someone to listen to me, I do and I have actually voiced myself multiple times but it never the effect I would think. I still feel the same and quite frankly I don't want anyone else to listen to me, I honestly just need to listen to myself and grow from what I am saying. Actually understand in depth what I feel and what I want from myself. One day I will, whether it hits me in the middle of the day or even if I just wake up one morning and feel better. Feel good. Today was a good day. This is me.
