Sacked By His Love (Completed)

Chapter Six. Ejected

O God, you do not willingly grieve or afflict your children.

Look with pity on the suffering of this family in their loss.

Sustain them in their anguish;

And into the darkness of their grief bring the light of your love'

Through Jesus, we pray.

Amen

Father Gabriel prayed in his low, gentle voice. Outside, the weather was cloudy and gloomy, like it would rain at any moment. It was just depressing, as if the situation wasn't sad enough. Everywhere I turned, faces looked back at me, with eyes filled with pity.

"Why did he do that to us? Why did you do that to me?" I kept asking silently.

As people began to come forward to pay their last respects, some I have never met before, I noticed my brother's gang buddies and I almost lost it. I wanted to scream and curse them out. It was their fault; they were responsible for all of this and yet had the nerve to show their faces here. Trying to center myself, I turned my attention to my mother who sat shaking her right leg, a habit of hers whenever she was nervous, anxious, or sad about something. There was no doubt that at the moment she was all three. She sat next to me, a ghost of herself; she'd aged well beyond her 52 years of age almost overnight. I placed my hand over her knee, trying my best to comfort her. The song, Yesterday, by Mary Mary, played in the background; it was one of my mom's favorites.

I detested being there and wanted to be far, far away, to lick my wounds and come to terms with this sad new reality. I struggled every day with the severity of the situation and still could not believe that it was real. Why couldn't it be a horrible nightmare? I could just wake up and carry on with my day. It would never be that easy though.

"Why am I here?" I asked my friend Josephine, who sat to my right. She looked at me with the same pity in her eyes as everyone else. For the first time since I've met her, there was no smart reply or cuss, she placed her head on my shoulder, joined our fingers tightly, and kept crying.

"Either I'm going to trust you or I may as well walk away

Cause stressing don't make it better

Don't make it better, no way

See, I decided that I cried my last tear yesterday."

Trust...I began to think on the word.

I trusted them both and they both disappointed me royally. I trusted the one laying in this casket in front of me to love, protect, support, and be there for me as we take over the world. And what did he do?

The other, O Lord, I still could not say his name without breaking down, he took my trust and love and threw it in my face. I think I'll pass on thrusting anyone for now.

I was brought back to reality when the caretakers asked if we would like to spend a few moments alone before they lowered the casket into the ground. The mention of lowering the casket, sent mom over the edge, she did not want to say goodbye to her firstborn. My father pulled her up from the floor, and gently guided her toward the waiting limo. I sat there, alone, for what seemed like an eternity; wondering how life could be so cruel? In less than two weeks, I lost two of the most important people in my life. My heart was beyond shattered and I was not sure if it would ever be whole again.

Knowing that I could no longer handle any more of my mother's wailings that night, I accepted Josie's invitation to sleep at her house. I wanted to be completely alone but did not have any other place to go. I wanted to hide from the world until this pain stopped and the hand that squeezed my heart to loosen up a bit. I went to the limo and let my parents know that I would be spending the night at Josie's. They did not protest, and I joined Josie and her older brother in his car. Despite her mother's best efforts, I declined to eat the tasty Haitian food she had prepared for me: you knew shit was bad when I said no to Haitian food. I headed to Josie's small room, took of my tie and suit, and slumped on her bed. When Josie joined me, she gently took off my shoes and socks and placed my feet on the bed. She lay next to me, pulled my head on her stomach, and rocked me while singing gospel in Creole. Though I did not understand the words, there was something about the melody that rocked my soul and I let out the pent-up tears.