The Misadventures of Hypochondriacal Hopeless Romantic

The Intro

                                                               Chapter 1                                              
03/20/2020
Today was supposed to be my wedding day, instead I found myself kneeling head first inside of a conventional oven. Technically, I was never engaged. I don't even have a boyfriend. In fact I lost two men within the past 6 months. But according to vedic Astrology (believe me I've spent a small fortune on all the predictions concerning my love life) I was (fingers crossed) likely to get Married in March of 2020.  So I mentally  set the date for the 20th, as it seemed the most auspicious of all the dates in March.  Sadly there is no wedding, but that is not why my head is in the oven, and yes it was on. I can assure you, I'm not suicidal. But I might be losing my mind during this self imposed quarantine . I convinced myself that I was experiencing symptoms of the coronavirus, so naturally I started freaking out. According to this post circulating on social media, heating the sinus cavities kills respiratory viruses, so I tried it. Honestly if I really wanted to kill myself, I would just let my ex break my heart again. Or any man for that matter. "I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears" in the words of Jazmine Sullivan, but I am still very much terrified of a broken heart. I was supposed to find love all of Summer 2017,  instead I was waiting on my biopsy results to determine if I had cancer or not. It's not like I hadn't tried it before, the whole "Falling in love" thing. It's just that the feelings were never reciprocated. When I was crazy in love (Beyonce) with a man he was emotionally unavailable. The same can be said vice versa.  When a man worshipped my very existence, I could never bring myself to return the devotion.  Happy couples don't fall in love, they glide like feathers cascading gently in the wind.  I on the hand can be seen diving full force into love,  like dense brick falling from my new york city rooftop. In fact that's what I am, dense brick. By the way, let me just say for the record, "Dream Lover" never comes to the rescue.  Thanks Mariah for the distorted vision of love. It's like I said, I always end up crashing. I've been in the "Committed" relationship, the "Congenial" relationship, the "Netflix and Chill" type of situationship, and the "I don't even know what to call what we are doing"Ship. Interestingly enough however, I've never been in the "We're in love and committed"thing. Naturally he would have been attractive ( like Kofi Siriboe attractive and that's my problem {I think} ).  At least I've felt a spark before. "When I'm kissing you my senses come alive"- Miranda Cosgrove type of vibe, and just enough to reassure me that I'm alive. Speaking of spark, thanks Nicholas Sparks for fostering the environment  for an insatiable hopeless romantic such as myself to blossom. I also hold Disney accountable too, and all of the writers behind all of the 90's/ and early 2000's Rom-Coms. Oh and Jlo just because, and let's throw Jhud in there too. Anyway , the point is despite having been fed and bred on Mariah Carey's 90's music, (seriously she raised me)  I can't say that I've ever been in love with a man at the same time that he was with me . That's just disappointing.The ultimate Nirvana, heaven for me would be to reach this kind of euphoria while I'm still here breathing and feeling .
Which brings me back to my cancer scare. As If I didn't freak out about wasting my good years enough, now there was the added pressure of facing my mortality. If I sound morbid it's because it is.  I have a hard time as it is deciding on tampons vs. pads. It's literally  the same song and dance every time I have to restock.  Picture me standing in the middle of a drug store isle, in front of infinite rows of pads and tampons and suddenly having to pee. Whenever I feel the pressure to make important decisions, all of the sudden my bladder responds. So I literally dance around in circles fighting the urge to pee. That is, until I just cave and grab something, anything! Once I do, Poof! Like a mental illusion the urge to urinate instantly vanishes. It's really the weirdest thing. How was I supposed to make decisions regarding my health?