Flash Backs

chapter 1

                               - all over again -
After the war I've became nothing like myself. Quiet and weak. I hated being treated like I was going to break if someone said anything to me. That's all anyone saw me as after May 2nd 1998.

I suspect now that I'm here at Hogwarts, put face first in front of the horror I endured. Every time I will walk through the halls the memories will flood back to me. How I wasn't able to save the people I loved. My blood soaked hands trying desperately to help anyone that was mere inches from their deaths. I've saved a few but, the ones I didn't; they haunt me everyday.

I was, instructed by Harry, to fight against the Death Eaters. I did just that, though I couldn't just let people die. They deserved to have a chance, a chance to stay. The thought of just fighting knowing that so many people are taking their last breaths, alone, I couldn't handle that. So I doubled as both a Healer and a Fighter.

I'm forced to finish my last year here. I've done everything in my power to prevent it. I've begged Headmaster to take me out but she never let me, claiming some bullshit like, "This is what's best for you, Ms. Hyde.". I've even tried to kill myself on several occasions. To ensure I didn't have to go back and never face the pain of my broken reality again. No matter how much I tried I never successfully did so.

I was on Harry's side of the war. I could only predict that all of Slytherin house would despise my presence as a whole. Most of my house were death eaters, completely devoted to Voldemort. I've spoken to others in my house that were on the light side. They've been tormented with the fact they've chosen the light instead of the dark.

My parents were killed in this war. Since I was eighteen when it happened the Ministry sent me the Title to the house and threw all their money at me. I thought pushing everyone away from me would help. I truly did. I made any excuse I could for them to take the easy way out of my life. No one would tell me it would hurt so much. To have absolutely nobody, and the single person you think you have. You're still trying to save them from you, the demon that you are.

Being alone is so, cold. You're the one who dug the hole and climbed in. You think that hole of loneliness would benefit you, until you get bored and try to climb out. Clawing at anything you could. But, you cant escape that hole. All you want is for someone to pull you out and give you a blanket just to feel not so alone. Instead all that happens is someone comes to the hole you've dug yourself, they only talk to from the outside and leave. No body helps you out of the loneliness.

Nothing is the same and will never become what it once was, it hard to accept it. Now, I have to face the reality of living with the people that helped kill my parents. I despised my parents for years on end, but now that they have no existence I regret it. They put me through so much but without them I have no foundation anymore. Nothing to stabilize myself with. I begged the universe for them just to die, now that my wish came true, I regret it.  I'll never forgive them, but I cared for them. That care was so buried under everything I felt I didn't even know it existed. It only showed itself when I saw them slowly die.

I'm on the carriages now, I've never seen Thestrals but here they are right in front of me making everything inside me turn. I wanted to just gag right there, seeing the gruesome creature that represents the inner demons I've collected inside of me. I'm surrounded by my friends, at least the ones that survived. It's comforting, but terrifying. Looking at the places where they would be, it's empty. The people that are still here look dead. Pale and soulless. The only people that looked somewhat alive were the first years who only know of what happened here, but didn't see it, didn't see all the blood and the destruction. My closest friend, Pansy Parkinson is sat next to me. She's always held a strong front but I can tell she's internally just a horrified as I am.