Three years. That's how long since I took up his name. It's been that long since I last saw his smile, his face; sometimes I have a hard time remembering how he looked that it scares me.
No! I don't want to forget. But he's gone, and the pain of being alone lingers...
I stopped typing and looked out my window. After my last mission a year ago, I decided to pursue a university degree.
Glancing at my watch, I decided it's about time for a break since I'm almost done with my presentation. And I smiled wryly since I am so bored of my current lifestyle.
No missions. No blue-eyed angel and his kind smiles for me. Alone again. This same mantra goes on and on in my head. Slapping my cheeks to stop my mental anguish, I took my wallet and my keys. Then I opened my drawer and looked for my gun, but then decided to leave it (even though my hand is itching for it).
Ugh. Better take myself out of the slumps. It's not good to dwell on negative emotions. Should I do a 360°? Hmm. Better not or I'll find myself tasered by Hiromi for being crazy. And talking to myself in this condition isn't healthy either.
I should get a puppy.
Then I remembered I am not good with pets OR plants, the evidence of the wilted, potted petunias on my balcony is the evidence.
I sighed. These hands are taintd with too much death that I only bring death to the ones I love.
I stood up, grabbed my black coat and keys. Patting my jean's back pocket to reassure myself that I got my housekeys, wallet and phone on me, I went out and locked my door. Walking slowly on the freezing Autumn wind, I decided to clear my mind and reminisce again.
How I miss your blue eyes that twinkle with mischief.
That big, warm hands that hold mine, assuring me that I am safe with you.
That fresh, lemony scent of his detergent.
All of it was a memory.
He will not be coming back.
My hand twitched, wanting to light up a smoke, knowing full well that it will not help with the stress and pain but only trigger my asthma. I went to the vending machine and got a can of hot chocolate instead, knowing full well I would not be drinking it or sleeping anytime soon, with my mood dangerously bordering on insanity like this.
I slumped on the park bench, then grimaced and corrected my posture. The sky was too clouded, I cannot even see the stars at night. Maybe I will see you again.
And when that time comes, I hope you will still remember me.
I sighed. Three years, huh.. even if your image is beginning to blur, I will still keep you in my heart as my anchor. I longed for the warmth and color you brought to my dreary, monotonous life.
I walked back to my apartment wih my arms and hands numbed from the cold. Taking off the necklace he gave me, I took a long look at it. I kissed it, and before I changed my mind, I stuffed it inside a small box and put it in the innerpart of the drawer, where I will not be seeing it any time soon, unless I decided to look for it.
It is time I let go of you now. Rest in peace, my love.
