@-BEOMROKI It hurts even more when they’re the only person you’ve ever been able to open your heart to to show your ugly, weak self to and no one else.
From the age of eight until now at twenty, I still haven’t learned how to open my heart or share my deepest wounds with anyone but her.
I always play it cool, always return smiles, always try to smile while knowing that all I really need is a hug from her for the pain to disappear.
I don’t even know how to open my own heart to myself to understand what’s actually breaking me, i have friends, i’m social yet distant.
Anyone who knows me will tell you they see walls around me, that I don’t let anyone see what’s hidden behind them, what battles I’m fighting.
I want to learn how to make those walls disappear.
I’ve been trying for over three years but my pain only grows with time and my walls only get thicker.
I’m tired.
Truly tired.
And this doesn’t even involve her.
If I’m good at anything, it’s shutting people out of my life, i've even done it to her once.
I don’t know if that’s a flaw or a privilege because I can ignore anyone and everything the moment I feel threatened without saying a word.
I feel numb sometimes, like my ability to feel anything, was taken away from me, like my heart was frozen without me noticing, it's ugly and liveless, and i constantly miss the girl whom i used to be, the confident girl despite all the pain, all the chaos around her, the girl that was strong enough to not even know what fear was, the girl that had left 3 years ago, leaving me all weak, all surrounded by fear, years away from her.
I feel selfish for speaking about myself in your writer-personal space.
Sorry
but all i'm trying to say is, i feel you in a very deep level, you're understood.
I'm sorry for you, myself and everyone else for having to go through this.
