𝐂𝐋𝐀𝐑𝐊𝐄

( @failedangels )
            
            Those memories were beautiful, and now some of his most precious treasures. Who knew it would all end so quickly? He surely wasn't even counting on it. Although, perhaps, he should have... it had always been like that, why would it suddenly be any different?
            
            He didn't smile when Tom reminded him of it, because, to him, the feeling was bittersweet. If anything, to be reminded of the times he used to sing and play for him, and him only, made Jon look even more miserable than before. It hurt to remember what they were and what they had, especially with the contrast of what they are and what they have now.
            
            Abruptly, he interrupted the song. As if something punched him back into the reality of all this. There he was, trying to act normal— when things couldn't be more far away from it. "It's a work in progress," he offered as excuse. It never stopped him from showing him, before... but before he wasn't afraid to show him who he really was, and that included his music in its rawest form— as it was conceived—, before all the refining that every piece he composed would later go through.
            
            Jon put the guitar aside, once again, and moved to the corner of the studio to grab himself another glass. He blew away some dust from it, cleaned the rest with his shirt, and then got back to his seat— taking the bottle of wine and pouring himself his own drink, drinking it down without pausing to enjoy it.
            
            Maybe he needed it to punch his feelings back inside, where they belonged, before they started escaping him...

   it was funny that tom was the one that walked away but he's also the one that stares the way he does.  you'd think it'd be the other way around,  but things were always give and take between them.  they complimented each other,  but that sort of meant they were different in ways they'd always be able to recognise in moments like this.  when they're forced to hold themselves high,  pretend they didn't have anything to say even if that was the opposite of the truth—  tom could tell jon was holding back,  but he wouldn't make any effort to draw it out of him on purpose.  because tom was also hiding from things,  and he didn't want to let go of that yet.  
            
              "back when you only sang to me,"  he smiled to himself at the memory,  noticing the way jon looked at him and then back at the guitar.  it was a nervous sort of movement,  like he was afraid of slipping any second now,  and tom wouldn't blame him.  but,  god,  would he be able to do anything to help?  he'd probably make it worse.  jon would probably make him leave,  then,  but even then he'd stay.
            
              he didn't know how else to remember the better days without making  *himself*  cry,  so he listened to him play.  this time,  each note felt shadowed by something more.  something bigger than both of them.  thomas is reminded of all his selfish choices,  his quick kisses in the dark,  his whispers of urgency in the quietest of moments.  he loved jon,  that much was true,  but did he love being gay?  or was it just...  a blip?  was it normal to feel that way about your own sexuality,  even when everyone around you supports you either way?  there's no force pushing upon the bodyguard that he isn't somewhat lending to himself,  so he can't be sure what's stopping him,  exactly.  he missed when these moments were happy and gentle,  now the sound of his guitar made him feel colder than ever.  he tried to pretend it wasn't. 

( @failedangels )
            
            He felt... watched. Observed. Even if rarely met his eyes during this interaction. Jon had always been one to look back at him, just as much as Tom looked at him. Now, as explained before, he didn't feel much like he could do it. Or else... he didn't know if he would be able to keep it together. He couldn't risk vulnerability, now. He couldn't allow himself to start crying and show him just how fucked up he was feeling.
            
            To keep up that strong exterior was almost second nature for him, though, considering he 'practiced' it since he was... what, nine? Ten? Surely way too young and forced, by the circumstances, to act way more mature and responsible than any child should have... perhaps, it also explained why he acted so immature when he was finally on his own, financially stable enough that he provided for his own mother and sister, granting them their own independence: he could, at last, do whatever he wanted, try anything he wanted, for it no longer compromised the ones he loved the most.
            
            Sadly... he had shut off his sister, and somewhat his mother, in the process. Always helping them financially, but never there for them emotionally, lying to himself that the distance was a way to protect them from the downsides of his fame. A mistake that he had been trying to make up for as of lately, getting back in touch with his mother. And, more recently, with his sister.
            
            To pretend that he was okay, and look strong for Tom... it was like a walk in the park compared to all that. Although, he knew him— and probably could read him through his masks, regardless.
            "I really liked it when you stayed with me," he admitted it, risking only a glance in his direction. Huge mistake! When he met his piercing eyes, he felt a knot forming in his throat... he had to gulp it down and force his eyes back down to his guitar. He tried playing the new melody, that still didn't have their lyrics complete... like he used to, for Tom, back then...

   she would call him silly for even considering feeling bad about it,  because their situations weren't the same at all.  her and tom both came to the decision together,  drunk,  watching the sunset on holiday with emotions that neither one of them understood.  tom and jon were the real thing,  and it didn't feel like either one of them agreed with the action.  so,  eva would be there every step of the way to support jon.  the bassist smiled at him,  clinked their glasses together,  and nudged her leg against his.  "cheers."  

( @basstardchild )
            
            Oh, he could see it. The joke. Maybe one day, he would be able to laugh about it... and the fact that he was venting to Eva, who was technically Tom's ex. How messed up was that? He hadn't noticed it, at the point. It would make him feel like he was very indelicate with her, afterwards, when realization finally hit him... it just showed, though, how much of a family he saw on both her and Alex, that his first instinct was to let it all out with her instead of thinking it through. "Don't mention it," he found her eyes— and seemed to get the message. No need for words. He raised his glass towards her in silent appreciation for her, resting a hand on her shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze as a 'Thank you, too'.

   there was a joke here somewhere about how they'd both been broken up with by the same guy,  but it was funny how different their situations actually were.  because eva was devastated  *for*  the two of them,  and she hadn't been too upset after her own separation.  the wine was a necessity,  and she turned to the side to offer to hold both of their glasses so jon could fill them up easily.  "thank you."  she smiled back,  trying to make hers more supportive and lingering so he knew that they really would all be okay.  even if it feels shit right now.  

   "i'll be counting on it."  he laughed,  leaving that as his final sentence before actually leaving with a stupid little smirk on his face.  god forbid if eva saw him leaving a room with a look like that on his face,  their cover would surely be blown.  and tom was the one that was doing all the panicking over it!  he went back to his usual position for shows,  after having spoken to the others on the shift and of course staying vigilant.  it was weird to stand there,  looking away from jon,  listening to his voice sing lyrics that were written about him.  he couldn't really allow himself to think about it,  of course,  because he wouldn't risk jon's health and safety for daydreaming like that.  but as soon as the show was over,  and the venue was empty?  he'd eventually make his way back to jon.  

( @failedangels )
            
            "Ugh, you're evil," he complained softly as the other distanced himself. Nothing but fondness in his eyes as he did so, though. Tom was like... his angel. His freaking guardian angel. But for one, he was a bit too 'evil' sometimes, indeed! Look at that wink! Look at the way his tone of voice, alone, close to his ear had made him shiver. The way his heart beat like crazy in his chest! All because of him, the sweet, adorable 'bastard' (probably no one ever used that word with as much love and adoration as he did for the other!) "There'll be revenge," he pointed at him playfully, just before he disappeared completely— the wink turning his world completely upside down.

   he liked this personal version of jon,  one which he got to see bits of even during their first meeting.  his silly jokes and scared flirting,  his teasing and panicking and everything else in between.  he loved this man,  and he's never experienced anything scarier.  honestly,  his day job was less intimidating to him than his relationship with jon.  "okay,"  he said gently,  eyes still lingering on him like he hated to have to look away.  "hope i get a glimpse of you during the show.  you look gorgeous up there."  he leaned in slightly to mutter his flirting,  because he knew he should be ashamed to do it on the job.  but he'd be focusing as soon as he walked out,  so he deserved this!  before he walked out,  he stepped back and sent jon a subtle wink.  just to give him something to think about,  of course.  

( @failedangels )
            
            The look in his eyes was all the answer he needed, honestly. The way he looked at him, so sincerely open and vulnerable— that spoke more than any words ever could. However, when his boyfriend did reply... it got Jon melting, all over again. Listen, he's a romantic guy, all right?! He always dreamed of meeting his 'prince charming'. And there he is, laying down right next to him. Jon leaned forward and touched their foreheads as another silent 'thank you'. "And I've got yours, too." he couldn't fight... not with his fists, like him. But he would fight for him in all the ways he knew how. That's for sure.

  "jon.  don't be silly."  his other hand went to the back of jon's head to brush through his hair,  not knowing how to reply for a few moments as he continued to fiddle with his boyfriend's hair.  "you don't have to thank me for that.  you deserve more.  i've got your back."  

( @failedangels )
            
            Well, the official request would come tomorrow morning. So he could thank him for it when he officially accepted it. For now, he had some more thanking to do. "For... looking after me and being by my side even when I didn't deserve it. Didn't deserve *you*," he gave his hand a light squeeze, eyes locked with his through that whole moment.

   "you're too kind."  he smiled to him,  promising silently that he'd make food for jon as offen as he wanted it.  jon could be his taste tester!  "you would say that even if i didn't.  but i'm glad you think so,  anyway."  

( @failedangels )
            
            "Oh, goodness— I *love* it." the word 'like' was definitely not enough to describe it. Usually, he didn't have much appetite; he would eat a little and go to practice, or move to his studio or bedroom to write... but he felt like he could finish this plate, and maybe even have some more! It was delicious. "You're full of hidden talents, aren't you? I always knew that— I could tell!"

  he waved off the flattery,  because jon seemed to find that too easy.  to claim that he was  *modest*  and things like that.  it was funny to be known like that,  so quickly and quietly and subtly.  "it was a pleasure."  he ducked his head to hide his smile,  watching the musician's face to keep an eye on his reaction.  listen,  he was expecting the flattery,  to be honest,  and it made his expression lighten up into one of incredulous fondness.  "really?  you like it?"  tom took a bite,  admittedly rather satisfied with the end result.  yes!!  he could impress jon!!  thank god for that.  

   tom never looked at the positives,  that might be his problem.  jon was the first positive thing he'd considered in the last year or so,  and he still didn't know how to navigate it.  it was complex to feel something good,  even if there's the underlying feeling that it was too good.  of course,  tom didn't mind that he didn't want to speak about it yet,  because the bodyguard probably wasn't good enough at being comforting yet.  he could give a hug,  let someone talk at him,  but he didn't know the words to make something better.  so,  rather selfishly,  thomas d'angelo was glad they wouldn't need to get all depressing.  he shrugged  (  he didn't know why he was apologising—  he'd hardly registered that he did it  )  and closed his eyes at the kiss to his forehead,  electing to try and get as many of those from jon as possible from now on.  "pssht,  special guest.  yeah.  i like that idea."  he smiled,  silently baffled by jon's ability to get him to relax so smoothly.  "can't promise i'll do much focusing on the film,  though."  

( @failedangels )
            
            He wouldn't put a significant effort into hiding that information from Tom, like, for the whole eternity..! But for as long as it was possible, he would let all those problems with David unmentioned. He wasn't used at opening up with people about things that bothered him; he always tend to look positive, although not in a superficial way, either... he just didn't want anyone worrying over him. In all honesty, he probably wouldn't even know what to do if someone started to openly look concerned with any matter about him or his life. He was used to look after others-- not the other way around. Of course, it was a reflection of his childhood. Things he needed to learn how to work around, but... it was a long process. Definitely not something that would be changed overnight.
            However... one thing is for sure: from everyone around him, the easiest person to talk with is Tom. And if he were to let his guard down with someone... it would be with him...
            "Why you say sorry, darling? There's nothing to apologize for," he reassured him, content that he now could lean forward and press a kiss to his forehead, and that it wouldn't make things awkward! He smiled at his little joke, then shook his head with fondness. "I'm glad. I won't let you down," he joked back; of course he meant it, too. But he threw those words in more as a way of getting him to relax, more and more, gradually. "Thank you for such a wonderful evening. Will you, please, stay over tonight? Not as my bodyguard. But as my special guest? Watch a film with me, ordering together some dinner, maybe?"

   yet again,  jon was probably right in that any mention of what david was doing would probably not be particularly well-taken by tom.  he'd probably ruin the moment by trying to track the bastard down,  and then their lovely evening was over!  so,  sure,  it was probably smart to leave it for another day,  particularly if jon didn't really want tom to know.  which was also fair enough.  but if he caught wind of what was happening from anyone else,  he  *would*  hunt him down!  damnit!  like a stupid spy movie or some shit,  whatever.  he focused on jon instead,  on the way he cupped his face like this was something they could just  *do*  now,  and thomas decided he wanted to feel the touch of his hands forever.  his free hand rested on jon's arm,  perhaps trying to keep that hold for a few seconds,  and gave him a private smile.  "no,  no,  sorry.  i want this.  i really want this."  he doesn't know if it's okay to  *want*.  it feels wrong,  somehow,  but cant figure out why.  "i left you waiting for too long as it is."  he joked,  although it wasn't through choice,  and was happy that now was the moment he felt ready to face this.  to feel this.  he stopped keeping jon waiting,  because he was  *ready*.  

@RED-EMPTION // *rubbing hands like a cartoon villain* I gotta make aRT. HAHAHAHA and YAAAAYY !!!!! you go, TOOOOMMM <333 makes sense for the best player of England (': (his bf def agrees and there's applause from him in the background) HAHHAHA

  /   THOMATHAN OTP!!!!!!  he's the number ten for england too.  he just got his number back too <33333  exciting 

@RED-EMPTION // GOTTA MAKE EXCLUSIVE TOMATHAN ONES, TOO HAHHAHA
            what's his shirt number when playing for England ?? just askiiinnggg *innocently* HAHAAHAH

   "right place right time,  i guess."  he scoffed at the praise from the musician,  finding him to be as dramatic and flattering as always,  and he was trying very hard not to read into any of it.  sometimes the way jon looked at him made him feel a little sick but,  like,  in a good way.  panicky and hot and dizzy.  that made sense,  totally.  "pfft,  shut up.  i'd be a bit of a dick if i said no,  wouldn't i?  we're all adults,  it's fine.  it's a pleasure to help!  i'm clearly a multifaceted bodyguard,  i s'pose."  

( @failedangels )
            
            He let out a sigh and looked at the other like he could finally *breathe* again after such desperate times! At least now that (potentially) would be out of his 'Problem List' and he'd be able to focus on the rest of it all! Such as writing new songs, for instance! Re-solidifying themselves as a band, to make all those tabloids stop discussing the end of the UK(now)! "How many times are you gonna save my life? You're an angel in disguise, aren't you?" he truly is beautiful like one, just taken straight out a Renaissance painting! ...Shit, now that he wasn't worrying about the band, he would have plenty of time left to let such thoughts form up in his head! It isn't like he'll suddenly fall in love with you, Jon! C'mon— stop dreaming!

he turned to look back at the musician as he asked the question,  a knowing smile on his face as he considered it.  they hadn't ended things in a bad way at all,  and she would totally take it up in a heartbeat,  but still!  she was going to use this as an excuse to make a whole thing about working with the guy her ex-boyfriend was obsessed with—  and that'd be torture!  it'd be unfair!  "go for it,  jon."  he nodded,  appreciating the fact that the musician even asked,  seeing as they were so desperate for a new member,  and he chuckled.  "it's not complicated,  don't worry about it.  we talked it all out,  it's chill.  besides,  you need a bassist and i have a feeling she'd love the job.  if not a little nervous."  

@failedangels // they areeee !!! love them so much (':

  /   that's so cute.  theyre perfect for each other 

@failedangels // it's saaaaad !!! but it's soooooo good !!! HAHAAHAH
            YESSSS !!! he's gonna call his name and sit down and play him a song he wrote with everything he always wanted to tell him, but he couldn't— aaaahhhhh !!!!

( @failedangels )
            
            "He's always so humble, isn't he?" he directed himself to Eva, smiling slightly to her, before looking back at Tom. He pondered it: he had a few more minutes to stay, but... the longer he stayed... the more complicated and twisted into a knot became his feelings, knots that were hard— or being sincere, quite impossible— to untie. He was stupid, though, and constantly did things he knew he would regret later... so, with a polite smile, he accepted it. "Yeah. Yes, please. Thanks!"

   from what tom had heard,  he was also similarly glad that the guy was gone.  he sounded like an asshole,  and was very happy that,  even at his worst,  he would never be as bad as that guy.  because he didn't want to scare or intimidate people at all,  which clearly made him different enough to be satisfied.  "agh,  good.  m'glad.  means i'm doing my job good."  he,  of course,  had no idea of jon's internal struggles,  and maybe in the future he'd have the decency to be ashamed of how nonchalant he acted right in his face.  as if that casual comment didn't make him feel stupidly overjoyed.  they all had to pretend.  "can i get you another drink before you go?"  he leaned forward on the table,  resting on his elbows,  discarding his empty glass and putting it inside the empty one that eva had just passed over.  

( @failedangels )
            
            "Ugh, don't even remind me of the 'Boogeyman'," that was how the girls from security, or better saying, Veronica, called him. The guy was *weird*. Aggressive. Arrogant. Far too militar like. He made everyone tense in his presence, he was... well, unpredictable. And seemed to have fun that he scared people, speaking to them out loud, as if to startle them, absolutely out of the nowhere. And his comments, then? ...Well, Jon was glad he was gone, let's put it that way, for thinking of him... it was bound to ruin his evening. Of course, it was far from being Tom's intention, so he made sure his expression was neutral, despite the strong reaction that he caused on him. The American reminded him of his father... and that was definitely not a good thing. "For sure. It's nice to have people I know I can truly rely on around me, like you," he added it just as much of a casual comment as Tom's, even if his words had a lot of meaning behind them... as well as the songs he wrote. Tom was right on thinking he was looking at him as they played the songs... he didn't know it, but most of the ones they played tonight were for him, after all. The one called 'Silver Angel' was subtle, and quite open to interpretation, but... totally directed to him, for instance.