-MinMin_Mean-

How am I supposed to tell them? That I am not doing well. They wants to know but I can't reveal it. I made everyone angry. No one wants to stay with me right now because they don't get expected replies. But what am I? Just a source of entertainment? Why can't someone think about my feelings? Why the fvck they even come in my life when they wants to leave? And who the hell give them the rights to ask me about my problems when they don't even text me once in a day? Why they complain about my changed behavior when they themselves just roam around without even remembering me. They only remember me when they need help or just want to yap. And still they call it care? And when I refuse to share my personal things, they gets angry and stop talking to me. Like I was no one for them. I am just tired. I don't want to hold anyone back now, fvck them all. 

How can just a single message and silly moment lit up my mood? He really has that in him. I can never get enough of him

Home doesn't feel like home anymore, 
          The laughter that used to calm me is making me suffocated, knowing that I have to be the part of them, their happiness when deep down I have lose my spirit, my calmness. Slight voice is working as a trigger. And if I don't distract myself then I will snap out. I have to be in control or else I will hurt everyone. 

Can I let go like this? Can I heal like this? If I trust again, will it break me more? I don't even know if it's right, I don't even know if I can get through this. What if the poison act again? What if I become the reason for k!lling my own child? What if my poison goes into the blood of my own child? I don't want to take risk, and Teu said that we can adopt, but will it be okay? Because his parents wants their own blood, not an adopted child. Every parents do, and keeping them in dark is making me feel like a b*tch. I know that Teu doesn't want to be a father, he is scared yet he still got agreed to adopt a child, because of me, because of my happiness, but what am I doing? Making my condition more worse, making everyone worry. He don't deserve this all problems. I don't deserve him, he is too good to be real. I hate myself for making him wait this long, I hate myself to keep pushing him away. But he always come back and I feel like I will lose control and break down in front of him. 

I miss you Dada, it counts three months today, and I am still not used to your absence. I wanted to talk with you a lot, spend time with you but life is really so short. I hope in next life we get more time. 

I miss him so much, but I know that he needs this two months. For him, for De. I don't know how he thinks that I sounds like De sometimes, but even I felt this connection with De, like I have known him since so long. He said that De d!ed when he was 12, I got into accident at the same age, I was about to d!e but then like a miracle, I came back. And my Nana said that it was my new born in same body. Does this makes sense? I don't know what everyone thinks, all I know it that Teu loves De more than anyone, and I loves Teu more than my own life. De is no longer with us and I can never replace him, but I will try my best to make Teu happy because he is a beautiful gift of my life, just like his name Mateus- a gift of God. And I will cherish him as long as I keep breathing.... 

It was weird, I don't know what was that but.... I don't feel any emotions, even when he begged for my forgiveness, I felt heartless, who he even got to know about this? There is no way my cousin brother told him truth because if he will say it then he himself will get in trouble, then how the hell Viren bhai get to know about this? I know they are stepbrothers and they don't have any common bond but today.... When Viren bhai came to my house with red, puffy eyes... I didn't get why he is apologizing for the sin of his step brother. And why he have to beg? Why he kneeled down like that? I hated it, I don't like how he was asking for forgiveness when his b@sterd stepbrother never ever realised how he have ruined my life. Viren bhai even cried, and said that I shouldn't have hide it on the first place, but what am I suppose to do? Let everything out and ruin two happy families? He was angry when I tell him that I don't want to reveal it, he would never understand my point of view, I know he cared about me but I care about my family. And who is going to believe us? If I will reveal this, they will ask disgusting questions and if he will tell anyone then who will believe it? Everyone will think that he is trying to take revenge on his stepbrother but Viren bhai is not a type of person who will do something without any reason. He is not my real brother, but he actually cares for me like a real sister and I don't know how to tell him that I also respect him as an elder brother but I don't have guts to face his step brother. They both are my cousins, they both have same mother and they both were my brother but now I don't believe it this bond of brother and sister anymore. I don't want to believe anyone. Only my father will protect me, no one else can ever win my trust after whatever I have gone through. 

How easily months can be full of depression when we lose someone in that month, 
          I hope Teu is doing better because I can't stop thinking about me, 
          All I want to do is hug him and let him cry, 
          But this distance is ugh! 
          I miss him so much

It's already 27 and tomorrow it will be three months. I miss you Dada, please give me strength to move forward little bit more

I am tired of everything and I don't have energy to move forward