Miss X

I miss you Nana, 
          This is the second time I am writing a letter for you. 
          
          You said you will protect me and when you won't be here, 
          You will send someone for me, 
          Who is that someone? 
          Because now I am feeling alone, 
          You said Muz is a good boy but he can't be with me forever, 
          I agreed, 
          You said that the one who will be the one for me will meet me with the most unexpected way, 
          His name will related to God, 
          And I waited, 
          But why I am feeling suffocated? 
          This feeling is not even subsiding, 
          I feel lost, I feel empty, and all because I don't have you anymore. 
          Everyone is asking me what's wrong with me, 
          And yeah, they said it truth, 
          Everything is always wrong with me, 
          I don't know how to explain them that I don't even know how to be happy since the day you left, 
          I was completely broken when I see mumma breaking down slowly, 
          Her mental condition after you left us is something that still haunt me in my nightmares. 
          And the fear in my puppa's eyes when I fainted out of nowhere, 
          That look still bother me everytime I try to end this, 
          I can't even live peacefully without you here with me. 
          Please tell God to give you back to me, 
          Or tell him to call me there, We will live together. 

He said that he hope this storm don't destroy us soon, but it already destroyed me before it can touch him. 
          I was the first one to know about this strom before him, 
          And he thinks me and she is getting along? 
          Guess no, because it's only me who is putting efforts, just for him, 
          But she is giving me hate only, 
          She told me to curse her, hate her so she can get a proof that I disrespect her, 
          But I forgive everyone who hurts me,
          So how did she expect that I will hate her by any chance, 
          Everytime she try to make me feel so low, 
          I don't hate her, I hate myself for it. 
          She still thinks that I am stealing him from her, 
          But no, I just thought I am saving him, 
          But if she said that I am making him suffocated then I should stop this, 
          It's hurting, so much. But I won't show it until I can't take this hate anymore. 

Can this feelings end with me? 
          If I bury my inner self, will it stop bothering me? 
          No right? Then why it will even stop when I will share it? 
          I will just be burden, nothing else. 
          This constant fear of losing everyone is k!lling me. 
          I lose every hopes now, that's why I am not trying to hold. 

Again and again this is happening, 
          This attacks are not stopping,
          The more I am trying to breath, 
          It is getting suffocating, 
          I needed space but now even space feels like stranger to me, 
          I can't keep it all now, I need to talk, 
          But with whom? I don't even know who will listen to me, 
          Muz? He has exams, he don't deserve to know this or else he will take a drop and come to me, 
          I can't be the reason for his failure, 
          Avi? She is still healing, 
          Her parents are already giving her enough stress so I won't burden her as well, 
          Shimmy? She is already having depression and she always gets emotional mess whenever I tell her about me, 
          Shiru? She is still a baby, 
          Haru.... No, he is already in guilty and I can't risk it, Bee already gave me enough hints that I have to stay away from him, 
          And I will do it, even if it hurts to the core, 
          I won't be the reason for their problem, 
          Haru deserves someone like her, not someone like me who can't even hold herself together when those memories come back, 
          I told him that I am a walking curse, 
          I told him to consider me as a dream not something real, 
          Because I will break anytime, sooner or later, 
          And I don't want to break him with me too, 
          I don't know what I will do but I won't come in between them, 
          Bee is trying her best to keep me away from him, 
          She even think that I am attention seeker, 
          Well she is right, I myself think that I seek attention, 
          She is right, I am taking him away from her, 
          She is right that I am making everything complicated, 
          I deserve every insult she throws at me, 
          That's what I made myself look like, 
          I am heartless, cruel, rogue, everything. 
          I don't blame her but it hurts, she talks sweet in front of me and then talk rubbish about me to him, 
          If she would say it in on my face, It won't hurt this much, 
          But talking behind my back, 
          That hurts, more than I can explain. 
          She proved that I am just a hurdle in her life, so now I won't be one. 
          

I feel like past is repeating in front of my eyes, 
          The same situation, the same feeling but this time I won't let anyone else get hurt, only I have to get hurt, this time I am not going to lose anyone, 
          But they will lose me. 
          That's how I can protect them. 
          I have already lose Kia because of him, 
          Now I don't want to come between another two best friends, 
          I will keep it secret until last breath, 
          Only if he would let Kia speak that day, 
          I won't lose her, but he was just seeing his benefits, 
          Playing with her feelings and giving me fake hopes, 
          He told me to not be close to anyone because he fear I will leave his side if I found someone more better than him, 
          But he never knew me this all the time, 
          I don't give up on people, that's why I am still living in guilt 
          Guilt of hurting Kia unknowingly, 
          He just kept me in darkness all the time, 
          I don't hate him, not at all, because I was and I am stupid to not understand what was going on between him and Kia. 

Things are getting worse and my doctor is keep giving me this stress even if she didn't mean to. She said I can't survive, so I accept it gladly and decide to spend leftover time with my family and friends, but then she said that the poison is decreasing itself and I can live, it was just mere attack. She said that someone is feeding me something which is causing damage to my health but who will do it? This is messy, complicated and hella disturbing. 

I am feeling glad that I didn't delete this account of mine, at least I will get some space to express what I am feeling

Tell me the truth
          This is the end
          I feel like losing myself
          Can't find my way
          To not lose you
          Why is it so complicated? 
          
          (True-Yoari)
          

Anyone up for making a roleplay account of five elements of world? 

Guess what? I already know you little girl (smirking)