Miss X

I am tired of everything and I don't have energy to move forward

I hate the white color from the bottom of my heart. I was surrounded with that color when my both grandpa left me. I was surrounded with that color when I was being questioned by that doctor. I am surrounded with white lies everytime. I want to live alone. I won't mind of everything get black outs, at least I won't see white color after it

Everyone is saying that I should not fake a smile, but do they even know what will happen if I stop faking myself? My parents will see my depressed state, they will again take me to therapist. That white walls of hospital makes my mind go blank. I don't want to go there again. I can't see that worry on my parents face. I fvcking don't need pity. Let me breath without being seen. I need space not care. I need silence not explanations. But people just say no need to fake a smile if I don't feel like being happy. The fvck they are to tell me what to do? They don't even know how much I am holding back. I feel stressed by this 24/7 attention. I want to run away

Even Haru is waiting a lot for me. I am not giving him enough time and I feel guilty. But coming online here with messed up mind will hurt him more. I don't want anyone to see me broken. I want to be a background noise. I want to erase myself from everyone's mind. I just don't feel like human anymore. I don't feel any emotions nowadays. I am turning heartless day by day. I will keep hurting people around me and I don't want that. I will prefer to back off then see them getting hurt because of me

The only source of my smile was this app, where I used to feel free. But now I feel empty here too. People are expecting a lot but I am not being enough. Shimmy was saying right, I don't see other people's problem because I myself is drowning in this mess. She said that I don't put much affords and she was right. I don't want to put affords because they will get connected with me more deeply. And I fear connection. I can't cherish them, I always end up hurting those who step inside my boundaries. People should leave me already. I don't deserve anyone. I just want this loneliness to swallow me, so I don't look out for something or someone

Life is taking unwanted turns. I don't know how to push myself now. I just want to disappear but now I can't even do that. Why people got attached with me? I wanted to fade away but their concern is stopping me. Everytime I try to leave, their care holds me back. My parents have two more daughters but they are giving me all the time. Why? Just because I am weakest among them? Just because they fear that I will again do something stupid? Their care is reasonable but I feel suffocated. I wanted to leave, but they said that I should stay with them for some more time. Mumma don't even let me help her with work. Puppa don't have enough time to even talk with my sisters but he still come to my room to check up on me every four-five hours. And my sisters? They don't talk to me much nowadays, because they don't have habit of having me at home for so long. I don't consider this place as home anymore. I am living like a guest in my own house. My room is no longer like before, and this white color of whole house is making me go crazy. Puppa said that he will change the color but I stopped him. He is doing too much for me and I don't deserve all this care. I am okay with myself but no one is understanding. 

@TheyLuv_Yeol
          @itzh__88
          
          It took me courage to write it all down. Please don't look at me as a different person after knowing all this. I don't like when people pity me

I fear from everyone now, it's so hard for me to see someone as a brother now. Because I used to think that my cousin brother was a good brother but he proved me wrong. I always push people always if they ask me questions. I fear attachments because I can't be what they expect me to be. I hate everything about me. But that's how I can live without hurting myself. If things get too hard, I make cuts in my palms. I am fear to be seen.

I almost overcome my androphobia because of Muz, he was there by my side and I am blessed to have a friend like him. But then, on the day of valentines, I went to my aunt's house because it was her birthday and there, my cousin brother mixed something in my drink and tried to force himself on me. I somehow managed to run away but the fear came craving back to me. I still get scared whenever I see that j*rk in any family function but I can't tell this to anyone, because it will ruin the bonding of two families and I can't be the reason for that. People always tell me to be strong, to stand for myself, to keep myself my first priority but I can't. I am weak and I keep people first. Haru was the first one to tell me that it's okay to be weak, no need to change myself. Because he knows me better than anyone.

I was recovering and faking in front of everyone that I am okay. If they try to get too close then I just push them away because I can't let anyone see how broken I am. I prefer silence over explanations. And people always assume things about me and I let them assume, because I am too tired of answering them all.