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It's been a couple months, hi Molly. A lot has happened in my relationship but not much in my life. Well, I mean. I'm still locked in and we're almost at 5 months, however there have been and still are many trials and tribulations unfortunately. I really am attached to him now and I can't stand the idea of being by myself. Things go so well sometimes and then suddenly there are arguments over minuscule things that don't matter. Recently he's been causing the problems, and back in January it was me. Basically I'm worried at this point that a recreation of what happened on Valentines day will happen again, but directed towards me instead of him. On Feb 14th, I was really questioning whether or not I still had feelings toward him. And to top it all off, he didn't get me anything. I was really disappointed and it made me unhappy walking around the hallways with nothing while so many people had a bunch of stuff. He said something that made me mad and it just set off a chain of events that basically broke his heart? I told him I wasn't sure I felt anything in my car in the school parking lot after track practice. He was literally sobbing and I felt so so miserable. Oh, another reason this event came to play.. Max. He's another junior at my school and he has mutual friends with Weston. It's honestly horrible but we became close friends and before Weston started talking to me I had begun developing feelings for Max that only began deepening as the days went on. It's so embarrassing but for a while I liked Max more than I liked Weston while he and I were talking, and it kept getting worse and worse. But I'm not a cheater and I would never betray Weston like that, so I kept it to myself and even though I talked about it to my best friend Kameron, I basically let it go. But he's one of my close friends in 3rd period and every day I see him he genuinely looks more and more appealing to me. There was also a period of time where I asked God for a sign that Max was for me......

I honestly think something might be wrong with me. Why do I cause so many arguments and why am I so unable to admit that I'm the problem in all of these situations? I know I talk myself up about Weston, how I would be alright without him and I could just leave, but that's not true. None of that is true. Every time we argue it makes me feel like he's going to see that I have problems and end up leaving me. I think that's why I say all that shit-- stuff like "gaf if he leave" n shit. Because I know that deep down I have to continuously remind myself that just on the off chance that he'll actually leave one random Tuesday morning. I keep seeing things about attraction and everything, and they make me doubt it all a little too. Like there was this video about 10 things that prove you and your partner are like actually chemically attracted and I got 5/10. I do think I might love him though, but honestly, I don't even know what love is, so how can I assume that? He's my boy though and I don't want to be doubting our relationship like that. There are a lot of moments of doubt, but I really don't want them to be manifested I guess into my life. But I just wish I could admit to him that I'm a problem that he doesn't have to coddle and take care of. I wish I could tell him that it's probably better off for him in the long run if he just leaves.

Wow surprise I'm already back, I wonder if this time I'm not going to say anything on here for another year or not. Let's see. Here's to 2024 being continuously better than 2023. Though this year had it's good moments, I wouldn't wish it on anyone because of the bad. Like the perpetual feeling of sadness was just too much for anyone and I'm honestly proud of myself for getting over it. Today I spent the majority of the day basically doing nothing, by typing out all the stuff from this one journal I had into a big Google doc that I tried to write in daily as well. All the messages I left on ur message board post are included of course. It's like 38 pages long and it's probably gonna be a whole ass other page after this one Molly. Maybe not, we'll see if I end up keeping it short and sweet. It's not like I'm ever going to get to a point in my life where I'll be able to read this shit with a straight face and not internally cringe. Like hello even if I reread it right now, a solid 30 seconds after I typed it out, I would probably just shoot myself in the brain. But whatever, moving on. This Christmas was good. Like surprisingly good, considering last year all I got for Christmas were Croc charms, a pair of socks, and a crippling feeling of depression. lmao. I got Sony xm4 headphones and they are awesomee I love them so much. But the only thing is that i wear them so much already that the headphone part is like squishing which means they don't fit as well. ugh they're already getting ruined which sucks omg I literally love them n I dont wanna go back to my airpods. Okay okay anyways, I got those, an adidas sports bra I picked out at academy one day with my mom, green cargos I asked for, a nike tank top thing? i guess? for cross country that has like a sheer back. it's awesome n I love it sm I'm gonna look like the drippiest person there while I literally walk at practice. Anyways, I also got a hair dryer thing I asked for. There were other little things too, but that's

It's been almost a month since my last post on here, and things are going bad but good? in a way? He's actually turned into my everything. He's literally perfect for me in every way and I'm so attached it actually hurts. When I think about my life if he leaves me, I just feel like there's really nothing left because who tf will I have then?? He posted me on his little photography account which is sooo wack because like I still remember the day he posted his hoco pictures and the girl he had been talking to for like a year was the first picture. but whatever idk. on another note, it's getting bad again, sometimes i can't get out of bed and i just feel miserable all the time, but he makes it so much better to be honest. it's really bad because even though he's been all "i love you i love you we r getting married" and shit, i know that's not going to happen. things change and we've literally been together for less than two months soo like. no way we're gonna end up getting married, im just going to end up killing myself or some shit. tbh i might turn into a teen parent with this one, we've talked about it lmaoo cus every time i come over one of us ends up on top of the other and it's just basically idk. i don;t really like kissing him all that much, but that's prolly just a me thing because the thought of someones tongue in my mouth just ewww go away. but anyways i always kiss him anyways because he loves it and i wanna do everything that he loves. basically life is shit and this relationship is going to be the death of me anyways bye love you peace out.

sometimes i wonder what would happen if i just killed myself. i'm too far deep at this point to do it, because I have friends who care about me and a guy and everything but every time my parents call me a fuckup or like worthless or whatever i wonder if??? what if i just ended everything??? i know they would pretend to be upset and everything and that scene plays out in my head all the time. my grandparents and other family members would be upset, and i think before i made all my current friends that's the only thing that i held on to. like i never acted like anything was off around any of them, so it would be completely out of the blue if i just died but idk. the idea of death doesn't scare me like it used to. even two years ago i was like bedridden by the fear of death, and i didn't want to go anywhere. but now i seriously don't give a fuck. it's kinda scary how little the thought of everything just ending one day doesn't bother me at all. i don't want weston to know how deep it goes cus i told him about last year and how i wanted to kill myself the entire time, but like i told him depressed me is never coming back. but like she literally comes back every fucking time my mother walks into my bedroom because she doesn't know how to accept that children have fucking boundaries that she needs to accept and follow. but no go ahead and just call me fucking worthless and blame everything on me a little more and see where it fucking gets you. I'm sure ull be fucking laughing all the way to the bank when i fucki9ng shoot myself and you get your fucking life insurance check. i don't think i would shoot myself to be fair though, I'm too scared for that. the thought of a gun would just scare me idk because even shooting animals is like weird. the kick just makes me regret it and idk. i think the easiest thing to do would honestly just be jumping because once that shit is done there's really no going back. but no its fucking fine I'm not going to kill myself because im

so omg it's been a long ass time since the last time i posted anything on here, but wow. I'm happy. this time last year i was at the lowest i have ever been in my entire life, and was on the verge of killing myself almost daily. like genuinely it was so terrible and i can't even look at photos or videos from that time without being sucked back into it. I'm surprised i made it this far, but I'm so so so very glad that i did. sometimes at least. sometimes i fuck up, but that's okay because an essential part of living is learning. okay so there's a lot to update you on. my old best friend, kenzie, isn't my best friend anymore. that's okay though. we still talk, and it's always great when we do. I went to new york and Washington for a school trip a couple weeks ago and she was one of my roommates, and it was great. i got way closer with my basketball girls, even though i'm not on the team anymore. they fucking cut me, and everyone is talking about how stupid they were for that. they kept this dumb ass freshman bitch and not me, i was so pissed off about that seriously. anyways, i love my juniors. yza and gianna are everything to me, and I'm so glad i was able to get closer with them. my new best friend, who you actually met once which is insane dude, is kameron. she and i had a mutual best friend a long ass time ago, back when you were still around. anyways, the beginning of this year she was in my spanish class and we just hit it off again. she's one of the people i'm closest with now. OHH omg i almost forgot to mention sean, he's also one of my best friends now. last year i didn't even know who he was other than "the obnoxious fat kid" in our school, but by some turn of fate he became one of the only people i would trust with everything. i still cant get over the fact that this year the seasonal depression hasn't hit me yet. like i am at the happiest I've been in years and it's at the same time i would typically be at my worst. but i think i should give credit where

anyway, im a freshman. wow, ain’t that crazy. i was in 7th grade when we were friends, i think. now i’m all the way in high school??? i’m on the freshman basketball team, but i hate the coach. he never plays me, and instead plays people who suck more than i do. i’m an FFA officer, but i’m more sure if you know what that is. i’ve failed my first two tests ever this year, so i hate everything. i’ve been really sad and lonely lately. my best friend is in a relationship, and she has been for a while. she’s been getting more and more distant since being in it, and i can’t help the intrusive thoughts that tell me constantly how much she probably hates me. she’s like this in relationships, though. i should understand this by now, but it still pisses me off. just because you suddenly get with someone doesn’t mean you isolate your friends and stop talking to them. anyway, im learning french. i have two pigs that im getting ready for our livestock show:  a dark cross/hamp named peninsula, and a chester white named pipsqueak. they annoy me so much. i’ve started getting really into poetry, which is so weird. i never though i’d be the person to write poetry lol. im over some dude named jayden, who i liked for a while actually. but unfortunately i am attracted to yet another jayden, spelled the same but in a different grade.  im a sucker for curly hair. there’s also someone named dani and she’s a cutie pie. anyway, i miss mia a lot. she was my old friend who like hates me now. unfortunately, she and my best friend are still really close. actually, she’s close with all of my friends because we were a whole friend group for a while lmao. so everything sucks, and i can’t even talk to my friends for a while without having to hear things about how she’s doing now. i really miss her. i miss don’t think i miss you anymore. we didn’t know each other long enough for me to still be missing you. i don’t really think i know how to miss people to be honest. i think i just lie about it. xo

sometimes i wonder if you ever think about me lol, but i know it’s stupid to ponder.

we're two totally different people now, but I would still love to get to know you again, so please. if you're still out there somewhere, anywhere, please. talk to me, message me, do something. anything. every time i look at wattpad, it's a ghost town. it just brings me back to your dead profile and makes me think the worst. at this point, im worried that you're dead and buried in a grave somewhere.

two years ago you told me you would  come back, and your parents were just confiscating your ipad for a little while