hey Maeve, its been a year, and in full honesty I dont know who Im writing this for. Do i deserve to grieve? Don't tell me, I think its cruel to have to hear that burden even in death, in heaven, I guess. im not sure where to go, should I move on? it feels like I haven't loved you enough, i dont think, and Im sorry, i hope. you know, I promised I would read your note again. just once a year to feel the pain you felt, and yet im here a year later hiding from it. i sometimes feel your gaze on my back and I'm terrified to turn. isnt it a coward's way out? the one day that should have been dedicated to you, all i did was avoid you. I still dont dare to hear your voice again. I know im trying to protect my happiness but in this one day, I cant even bring myself to feel your pain like you did every day. youre so much braver than I am, and one good thing I guess, that has come out of this, is that your pain is gone now. I'll think of you when I'm finally courageous enough to. I get afraid I dont hear you or know you at all, I just think to make sure I knew you. i fear maybe i think of you to act like I did, to make sure im living fine in good conscience, when youre not even living. Isn't that awful? Aren't you sick of hearing apologies you dont deserve the burden of having to forgive? And in a sick way, its what ill keep doing, knowing its just despicable as much as it is helpless, because I just dont know what to feel anymore, and I dont think anything I do will be right enough for uou to deserve. I dont know if I hear you or if I hear myself comforting myself. and i just know its hardly enough, but I think or I hope that Ive tried my absolute best to do you justice, Maeve. I love you the best I can, I think, and Im sorry when I haven't.
