Mimic

Can not imagine it has been four years, my baby! It is just like yesterday. I can remember the every minute that day. 
          
          Baby, it is mommy’s fault to come home late. I thought you were having great time with your friend. I thought you were able to catch lots of fish like before. I thought you were preparing to celebrate your brother’s birthday dinner. 
          
          I got a note from your brother asking me to come home at 7:30pm that was why I set my alarm to get ready to get home at 7:13pm. Can you imagine bad things happened after I received the message before I head home? Just half an hour, the demon half an hour. The most horrible half an hour that you were left home by yourself, something I would never ever have done. I felt tricked. I felt set up by a trap. I felt the sky would fall when I was told you were left home by yourself. I was shocked. I was panicking. I felt hopeless…..  I called called called your phone but nobody picked up. 
          
          I wish I could fly home when I got that Wattpad message . I felt that 13 minutes is the longest minute in the whole life. But i was late. I was so late that I could not stop anything. 
          
          Man, this is a nightmare. A nightmare. Baby you left us. You left your dear mommy. You can no longer text me and tell me “I Iove you”. You can no longer watch the daily show with me. You can no longer be kissed by me and wake you up. You can no longer snuggle with me. You can no longer ask me to scratch your back and say please go to Africa or China imaging there was a map on your back. 
          
          Oh my baby, I am so jealous to see other people’s daughters since I had one before and the most beautiful one, the sweetest one and the smartest one, but I do not any more. My heart is torn whenever seeing other girls next to their mom. I wish you were here. I can only share the same space with you in the dream, if I dream of you at all.
          
          Love you baby, miss you so much. 

Baby- 
          
          I have not posted here for a while. But I miss you every single day: when I saw a baby, or when I saw a girl, or when it is a holiday, or when we travel without you. 
          
          It is 2024 but I do not want to say bye to 2023, or 2022 or 2021. I hope I can go back up 2020 to the day so I can change everything.  I wish I could stay with you that day so you would never find any opportunity to stay home by yourself.  I should have checked in and ensure you were ok when they texted me to come home by 7:30pm. If I checked I would never allow Dad take your brother out and leave you by yourself. 
          
          I should also have told you if you are not here nobody will help mommy shop for beautiful clothes, nobody will text me silly emojis as well as texts telling me she loves me…. nobody, if your brother is not available, will take care mommy when I am sick or older. This might help you change your mind? 
          
          I wanted to tell you millions of times that I love you and hug you gazillion times, and keep snuggling with you and won’t let you go, my baby. 
          
          Baby, one day in my dream of you, I was about to take you to a swimming pool to have fun but then you were kidnapped by others…  I was screaming and rushed to save you .. till I wake up finding you no where to be found. 
          
          Another day, in my dream, I was holding you in my hand and all the sudden you had some life threatening symptoms so I was freak out and tried to save you …. 
          
          All these nightmares. Even so, I was able to at least spend the time with you in these dreams. 
          
          Baby, I got your some Christmas gifts including a dress, I am imagining how tall you are now ….and your brother got you a sculpture with two dolphins, one representing him and one representing you.
          
          Miss you so much Baby. Hope you know that mommy misses you every single day. 

It is so hard to say goodbye to the person you love so much. Last several weeks I spent my time taking care of fatter in law who eventually passed away last week. 
          
          Baby, I told him about you and hope he could take good care of you there. Not sure if you got to meet him but he is a very caring and loving grandpa and father. You met D but not his dad. 
          
          All those days the image of when i had to say good bye to you keep showing up. It was tearing my heart apart. Miss you so much baby. Love you!!

Merry Christmas, everyone! 
          
          Baby, mommy miss you. Miss you most during these special days. Merry Christmas, my baby. I wish I could make up the gifts I did not give you when you were away. Mommy is the one who should prepare gifts every year. But I did not since I thought you went away with your dad while I stayed home taking care of your sick brother. What a mistake that I am no longer able to make up for! My baby, I love you. 
          
          When I saw the swim with the dolphins activity, I remember how those dolphins were chasing you. My baby. You were so happy chases by dolphins. I miss you so much and wish I could bring you here with me to Hawaii. You would love to see the fish, the sea turtles. You would love to see so many things and hear your brother’s swim with manta Ray experience. 
          
          Mommy got your a small gift ( other than thd gift we wrapped up for you at home.) Baby, miss you so much!
          
          Merry Christmas! 
          
          Mommy 

Baby, mommy had not come here to post for a while but I never forgot about you. I visit you pretty much every day and so at least i can tell you I love you and have a good night. 
          
          I just dreamed of you. In the dream, I was trying to find out if you went to sleep or not and found you stayed up late again and daddy was trying to feed you something before you go to sleep. You we’re still a toddler….
          
          Mommy miss you so much. It is always so hard yo have a holiday without you. Every year thanksgiving / Christmas time it is the time I got you a beautiful dress among others. 
          
          I teared when I went to visit you telling you that i am so sorry for being a horrible mom. I regret not spending more time with you, regret being emotional with daddy, regret not getting you the Christmas gift the year before when you were away with daddy. I was so careless since I should have known that daddy would not prepare gift even he was with you and I stayed home with your brother to help him to make up the exams. It was my fault since I was the one who prepared Christmas gifts every year.
          
          Gosh I wish I could give you gifts every year and rest of years when I am still alive. My baby, love you so much and miss you dearly. 

Today is Rena’s birthday!
          
          
          Dear Baby — 
          
          Happy Birthday! 
          I brought you flowers, cake and balloons, including one with rainbow shape, since I wish I could meet you again over the rainbow and you can see we celebrate your special day. I brought you candles that put them in a shape like a heart. Hopefully these candles will light up the whole night for you. And hopefully you can feel our love and hear our prayers for you..
          Your brother called in and we sang together. 
          Happy Birthday and I hope you could know how much I love you and we all love you so much. We miss you every single day. The life without you is extremely difficult. Every single girl out there will make me miss you so badly. 
          
          Baby you saw all these nice comments? I am sure you have helped save so many people because I know you have beautiful souls. 
          
          Mom 
          

It has been two years, my baby! It feels like many many many years! I still cannot believe that my sweetest, kindest and smartest girl is gone. 
          
          Baby, mommy loves you! It is like hell that we have been through. Mommy miss you every single day, dreaming that you will come home. I am looking at the school bus, imagining the days when you texted mommy, telling me “I am almost home”. Baby when will you come back home? 
          
          I remember when one day the school bus driver messed up and made me wait for me for an hour longer. The moment you saw me, you cried and told me: mommy I am so sorry. I am so worried about you! You know baby you just melt my heart. 
          
          I remember you were at the hospital and they wanted to force you to stay at the hospital for two weeks, you and me cried and hugged tightly. Baby I do not want yo let you go and so did you.. how come you let go yourself and did not keep your promise of growing up with your dearest brother? You wrote a note that he is the best brother you can ask for. And how come you him and me behind? 
          
          Baby, I just wanted to kiss you, hug you and snuggle with you and tell you that mommy love you and you will never be replaced or forgotten. 

We can not enter the Chinese New Year without you…. My baby. 
          
          Wishing my beautiful girl happy, healthy and pretty forever, no matter where you are. 
          
          Mommy loves you forever. 
          
          Happy Year of the Tiger! 

Happy New Year, my baby! You are in my heart! I miss you so much. I talk to you every day and share with you what happened every day. I hope you hear that. My baby, mommy loves you so much!

Happy New Year, babe! I will post more later.