✿ ☰ ｎｕｍｂ.

" i finally realized why i really loved books. i can't be alone with these unhappy thoughts again and again. so i escape reality and trick my mind and heart that i will have one of those cheesy happy endings in really sappy fairy-tales. 

my heart just closed up. 

no, it wasn't out of fear. but exhaustion. i wasn't afraid of being in love, but tired of it. i've had enough love, nobody loved me anymore, but the love i have for myself was enough to keep me going. to not look around and wait any longer.

because even though my eyes prickle with tears before coming to bed, at the thought of you. trust me, it wasn't pain. but sadness because i am numb. i long to feel again. this time, i long to feel happiness, excitement, giddiness, surprise, embarrassment and so much more. but i wasn't having that any time soon, because sadness had parked up in my heart, occupied it and i couldn't ask for rent. it just wouldn't leave. 

and that's when i decided, to be comfortable and make friends with this emotion that's causing my heart to sink slowly like the titanic in a frigid, icy night. 

but. at the end of the day, after all the restless sleep and the nightmares that would shake me in the middle of the night. i say to myself, that i got this. i can survive this. all it takes, was one positive remark for myself to boost me up. not a lot, but enough to keep me going from this numb state.

- 011416.