ㅤ

i don’t have anyone else. i don’t talk to anyone else at all. i don’t want to have anyone else or talk to anyone else. i don’t go looking to fill that void or that emptiness inside of me because i’m still hoping that one day you’ll feel good enough to fill it for me like you used to do. and maybe that’s wrong of me. and even though you say how lonely you are, you have friends. you speak to people other than me everyday. hell, you’re more preoccupied with them than me. and that’s ok. i mean, im glad you’ve found other people to talk to, and you’ve found other people to confide in, even if they’re only temporary

i just want you to know that even though i’m dry, even though i don’t talk much anymore, my mind is always filled with you. you’re the only person i’m constantly thinking about. every time a love song comes on i think about you. every little thing reminds me of you. i’ll always love you, i never stopped. even if you decide that you don’t want to be with me anymore, i’ll still love you and i’ll still always think about you 

maybe you’ve just given up on me. maybe you just got tired of the way i have been acting and decided that i’m not worth your time and energy anymore..and i get it. i know im difficult. at some point everyone gives up on me

but then again, every promise has always been broken. so maybe it’s best if i stay a fool in love, letting maybes fill my head

my head is filled with maybes, and i wish that you could just take them all away. maybe if you filled my head with promises instead, then i wouldn’t feel the way i do

but then maybe i feel stupid because how dare i think that way. how dare i think that you would ever do such a thing to me. 

i don’t even know if you’ll see this.. if you do, that’s good. if you don’t, that’s okay..i won’t blame you. i never have. i love you and im sorry

the truth is, lately your words have had a larger effect on me than a normal, mentally healthy person. every “lol” or “(:” makes me want to rip my hair out and do not so nice things to myself. but i do the same, so how could i complain? how dare i allow myself to be upset by your responses when i respond to you the same way? we’re in this vicious cycle, and neither of us know how to fix it.. but anyways, i am rambling. im sorry for everything i might’ve did, and anything that i do in the future. im sorry for not being the person that you originally met when we first started dating. im sorry for changing so much and making you go through things you probably didn’t have to go through. im sorry for everything. 

i just hope you know how much i love you. i hope you know how much i adore you and your presence, and how much you make my heart flutter with simple pet names and the way you phrase certain sentences. 
            the truth is, lately i have been extremely sensitive and emotional. everything makes me want to either cry of sadness or of joy..or maybe bury myself in my bed and never come out. maybe that’s why my stomach twists with every word you say. maybe that’s why i’m always scared to open your messages, afraid that i’ve said something wrong or made you upset. i feel anxious constantly. rereading my words and replaying scenarios and wondering where did it all go wrong? how did we end up like this? i don’t know, and i know i had a lot to do with it. but i truly don’t know how to fix it. i am so lost in my head all of the time and i can’t seem to get out.

sweet by cigarettes after sex

and then we could go home (our home bc yes) and cuddle on the couch while sharing a blanket and having popcorn and chips

omg we could even bring a laptop to watch stuff

like in the spring,, we could bring our favorite foods and drinks and we could have a picnic in a flower field 

but like also let's make each other cute love notes and leave it around the house but like let's also make each other's lunches for work and lets just live together forever and fuck i love you so much and please never leave me because I'll cry for the rest of my life and im sorry im not that great and you could do so much better but im glad that youre with me but also like don't leave tho mkay like stay forever thank you i will never leave you i love you too much youre so pretty you make my heart go boom boom and u steal all my uwus but also make my imaginary dick hard but also kinda make me wet but I'd never actually admit that because that's too embarrassing but you make me feel a lot of things and lord i just love you so much and i think about you 24/7 and yours so amazing and wow i cant believe you're mine and oh my goodness I'm so lucky i wouldn't want it any other way

i also want to like write a story about us because we're so cool and ppl are so jealous of us but like also i want them to cherise me for the rest of their life but i also want to cherise them for the rest of my life but like also they stole my heart and haven't given it back #theif but like also i stole their heart #ihope but like also we're cool kpop stans and we always talk about that and i think that's really cool and we both have great music taste but theirs is just chefs kiss and like they're also super talented and super out of my league and i feel like they could do so much better than me but i hope they won't and i hope they stay with me forever but like also kiss me until i cant breathe anymore and my lungs collapse and my lips are swollen and make me cry but in the good way and let's wake up in the morning and shower together and do each other's hair and but also do watch others makeup and remind each other about important things but like also let's go on coffee and study dates and let's buy plushies together and spend every holiday together but like also let's go stargazing but also pls leave hickeys on me all the time and show up at my work and surprise me and also brag about me being yours all the time and I'll do that too I promise but like please marry me in the summertime because we both like summer i think and let's also spend winters together because im pretty sure you like snow and although i don't like snow you make everything better so i guess it's okay and let's have movie nights and cook dinner together and accidentally burn dinner and end up ordering takeout because we were too busy fooling around