Murderer: any last words? 
Me: bro I'm deadass crying, I've been waiting my whole life for this 

Interviewer: why do you want to work in customer service? 
Me: well I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault 

Me: no more negativity!! Only cool positive vibes from now on 
Me 2 seconds later: birth is a curse and existence is a prison 

Him: I really like you
Me: you'll stop soon 
4 manic depressive mood swings later...

When you go to the doctor and lie about the depression related questions 
I pulled a little sneaky on ya 

My friends finding out I killed myself after talking other people out of suicide: ironic, he could save others from death, but not himself 

Me: GIVE ME DEATH, I DESERVE TO FRY 
Judge: ma'am, you're here for a parking ticket 
Me: *slams fist* I DEMAND JUSTICE 

Me: I'm really depressed 
Friend: stop being depressed 
Well boys we did it depression is no more