-sukidakara-

"I'm so tired."

I'm so tired.

I still remember when I used to be the therapist friend and the one everyone vented to. Somehow I need a therapist now.

not like i want anyone to read these, it's my way of venting anyways

Idk how to tell my past self that I'm so proud of her tht she's still alive and kind. Still is optimistic and hopeful. Still has the inner child who's as playful as always. I'm just me. Almost no one knows the real me, it sometimes upsets me but then again it's not their fault. I know myself and I know how hard it was to even  going through a day without giving up. I know how hard it was and is to breathe and not break down. I can cry right now if I want. One memory is enough. I know how strong I am. I just donno how to believe it. Idk many things and i know it. Sometimes I try to be better, almost always i mean, but it's hard, it's fuckinggg hard when their is a deep scar in your heart. The negativity always gets to me somehow telling me how negative things about myself and future. But still I remain hopeful or just ignore it and that is why I am the way I am, why I'm indecisive about future cz i fuckingg never thought i would be alive by now... In my mind i died years ago. I am not really supposed to live cz i did lose hope many times still I'm here. Which is why I know how strong willed I am but the weak point it i hv no Idea how to believe. How to actually actually heal myself. While i was thinking I did heal or am healing.. i did not lol it's so funny how miserable i a hv become. 10 years ago I was happy and carefree child who thought studying can make me achieve everything. Now I'm miserable trying to fight and live and ignore the others who are definitely livin' a better life than me. Idk what they did to deserve this. Disappointed their parents? Or was it tht i just was trying hard for nothing. I wish I had more fun in my school life. It's a regret I can never explain or fulfill. Idk what I'm doing but honestly i don't know why I deserve this much pain and how did I become like this. This is not me.

This is funny how i thought I'm past my past. I'm healing... HEALING... ???!!! a strike of memory and smtg in my heart shifted. An ache, very familiar, which i felt 4 years back.. Yet still I'm feeling it again. No one can understand it, no one. I can never explain it to anyone how it hurts physically. How in one second I'm okay then after one second I'm soobing like a child. My inner child is so broken. I just realised that it never actually healed, more like I hv distracted myself enough to believe that it healed or at least healing. HEALING??!! Fuck it is not healing, those scars still pains if as if they're new . Makes my life miserable when I do not even deserve it. Atp i don't blame myself, I blame the universe and everyone around me. No one deserves happiness if I don't. Why would they? If they deserve why can't I? Wtf did I do. Why the ppl who mocked me in school are happy!? Why the ppl with less grades living a much better life if grades are important!? Why everyone is happy but I'm in agony and deep sorrow, still trying to heal those part of my life I can't even talk about.

I'm at a stage of my life, atp i think the universe just straight up resent me. But who's gonna tell her that I can never hate myself? Even though I see some faults in my personality, even though I procrastinate and I'm very careless I never did anything bad to anyone. Not to brag but honestly I never ever tried harming anyone's feelings, i have been always empathetic since I was a child and I still am. Yes maybe I did say somethings unknowingly which may hv hurt some ppl but I know myself, I know how i was in school, in college and with everyone. I know how i always used to help my classmates whenever they couldn't get something. I know how I never tried to hurt anyone even if I hated them. It was always them, them hurting me. Hurting my inner child. Then why now they're happily posting with friends, making memories and I'm feeling miserable always with a broken heart which I'm unable to heal. Why me? What bad deeds did I did? What actually I did to deserve all this misery.

I wish I could give my younger self  hugsss and lots of kisses she seriously deserves everything

I feel bad for my younger self. She was so innocent and DESERVED SO MUCH LOVEE..

I'm sure they just dgaf abt me it's just me and my extreme lvl emotional mind playing around w me :((

@-sugarggukiee- because you try so hard, so hard to include everyone, so hard to be the friend they never had, so hard to understand, so hard to make them feel happy, so hard to be the silly one to make other's laugh, so hard to help them. But when u stop trying you see a void. No one is there, no one is there to see the real you. No one is trying to make you happy, no one is there to worry about you or maybe there is ofc there is but they also don't show it so u just don't know. You feel love deprived cz you love hard and always see love in everywhere when there is not.

I love it sm whenever I need him and he comes

tho I feel like crying but watching him motivated me 

ok but now I'm feeling a bit better and light

why can't I be the only one

why ppl always have someone they love more than me

am I not worth it