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who even are all thise people

i just read a text from him from 10 months ago that i havent once reread up until now
            
            “i had a really nice girlfriend for a few years, she used to tell me i look better than i think”

recently i brought that 2 week period up when he said we’ve been talking everyday for a while now
            i said that cant be true because there was a time where he was very untalkative
            and yeah i was very unreasonable back then 
            but in the end it showed me that he is still a man, no matter how seemingly kind
            oh and he said that period was because of university, not my fault. “we still talked everyday then as well”
            
            i thought we hated lies 

that one had my ex 
            like a refresher dream
            he had a new girl and that girl was on good terms with me and when she wouldn’t notice he would look my way with a complicated regretful expression
            but i didn’t care at all
            all i wanted was
            oh he did exist in it 
            was to explore this new area i had moved to
            i wanted to but food for birds
            i saw a stall with a child making creation paintings and i wanted to get one for him
            the rest of the dream was scary
            my house fell apart
            birds were weak and cold and hungry
            a child had been murdered so brutally closeby before
            i watched an extremely vibrant sunset but kept being paranoid about someone attacking me from behind
            

my heart sunk so deep
            that i had to leave him in that dream
            i wanted to leave a letter talking about my true feelings and wishing him the best and saying i hoped to be with him in the next life
            and then i was gonna leave and run away forever
            but the bitterness was so painful
            you know, it was supposed to be me who he needed to have children with
            but here he was, claiming kids from other women and even thanking me for it
            when i woke up i was miserable
            i was so sad that i felt like i actually had been betrayed and left by a loved one
            the same wrongness sense deep in my stomach was there and it was so severe
            i was startled
            i immediately wanted to write about it but phone was dead
            i feel back asleep and thank god i did because i had another dream without him present or existing in it at all
            

he said he was gonna come to my city to hold a gender reveal party because he decided to be in the life of the baby who was his who was in his ex girlfriend 
            he said it’s important to realize when people get lost in the loop of living
            a person (me) helped him find his way when he was lost and thanks to that he was gonna on his child and love it