this message may be offensive
I’m sorry y’all I need to vent. For the last few months things have been really stressful, I’ve had my Lexapro dosage shoot up but it just barely helps keep me balanced. Every day I wake up and feel so exhausted mentally, sobriety helps but I’ve never been closer to relapsing. At least once every day I have a little though as to maybe killing myself, and though I convince myself not to constantly it takes a toll on me. I feel like I have no purpose and don’t know where I’m going to be lead in life, and that things feel like they’re spiraling downward. I need real serious help but I’m too afraid to ask for it because I can’t stop thinking about how I might burden the people I love and push them away and so day after day I have to smile like nothing is wrong and go along with every joke and bit that my “friends” do at my expense. I just laugh with them for a while and then when I get back to my dorm I curl up and cry, because I’m simply their punching bag. On top of that I can’t stop reliving the day that I was sexually assaulted, every time I start having bad thoughts, it always leads to me remembering it in one way or another and it hurts, it hurts so bad. The only person I ever was able to talk to about my experiences with sexual assault and abuse apart from my parents passed away and my closest friends who I love so much would absolutely make fun of me since the persona I have put up makes it seem like everything I say is a joke or some dumb shit to make fun of me for. I’m so tired.