Hey your story I only made it to part four and I found a lot of errors and thing that you need to clear up but I believe that your story need more time and work so might want to get a friend to read it and point out what they find wrong and if it makes sense, explain it to them, but when you're if it doesn't make sense to you or when you're trying to explain it to them and if it doesn't make sense to you and you confuse yourself, that's a indication that you should change and clarify that part of the story
