I'm doing it again.
running away.
I was found.
last time.
I was happy.
that I was found.
last time.
but then.
I realized.
I can't handle knowing.
that I'm being watched.
this is me, folks.
I seek listeners, but I cannot ask for one in real life.
it isn't that I'm shy, no, not even close. 
but dear reader, please hear me out.
a way of my thinking is.
"keep others safe from your pain."
don't get me wrong.
I love people.
I love my friends.
but, I know just how crushing the pressure is of knowing.
how much is going in a friend's mind.
you know, one of my closer friend's uncle has cancer.
it's worsening, and the uncle is like a second father to him.
I've talked to him about it before.
one thing I told him is that.
"The dreamer in me still wants to be you, 
the one who suffers from a great loss but ends with a happy ending."
but what I did not tell him was.
how frustrating my thoughts turned out to be after helping him out.
no, I don't regret helping him in the little bit that I can.
but just the knowledge... the knowledge that a friend is going such pain.
while my most confusing thought is a girl. 
this is the thing about human nature. 
we really can't manage to care too much for others.
after hearing my friend out, even after I talked to him, even though he was still on my mind,
I went back to my youtube video. 
It's only when the thought of him appears late at night does it just absolutely kills me.
but here, do you know why I am talking to you?
don't feel bad, because we both know it's true.
you would not care as much as people who know me.
and I want that.
I don't need to worry about causing too much pressure upon you.
but I don't need to worry that you did not hear me.
thank you for being here.
and, I'm guessing phoebe... but if anyone of you, my friends, find me here, don't tell me
in a way, my heart yearns for you to find me
but I cannot bear knowing that I caused you pain
after this year ended though 
till then.