AJ Rensir

December used to be one of the hardest months for me. In 2016, I had plans to end my life and someone who I found out never had good intentions once I was older was there to stop me. I hate him, I hate that I was young and dumb enough to let myself get tricked into it. 
          
          This year the date slipped past without me realizing it as I cuddled up with my husband and newborn looking out the window at our baby’s first snow. 
          
          I can’t wait for Christmas with our sweet baby and look forward to every December that will come our way. 

It’s done
          
          He’s gone

The light and joy this album brings into my life on the daily has been wonderful. I’m regretful I wasn’t in a place that I could love it like I should’ve back then. I’m so grateful for the person who’s come into my life that’s made me want to try and be happy and love things even when everything sucks. 
          
          Anyhow — I guess I’d better get to the point of this long winded stupid post. 
          
          I don’t know if this person is going to be in my life anymore after tonight. I’m terrified of that. I stressed puked last night and it’s been clouding my every thought no matter what I’ve tried to do to distract myself. 
          
          I’m not sure if anyone’s still “active” on this site anymore or even sees these posts. My Wattpad wall has just become a sort of weird journal I used and look back on and I remember exactly where I was and what was happening when I made the post. Just don’t really know where else to post it, I guess? 
          
          Looking out for a shooting star, tonight. Maybe I’ll get lucky? 

“Scaled and Icy” by Twenty One Pilots came out at a time in my life where I was angry and scared. I wasn’t open to love from anywhere and felt like everywhere I turned was another dead end. I didn’t give the entire album the time of day when it first came out because some of those songs were just so upbeat, happy vibes, loving, etc. I didn’t want that. I know how stupid that sounds but where I was mentally and physically was terrible. I fell back into old songs and albums of quite a few bands that were about struggling to survive and not knowing if you’d make it out. 
          
          Obviously, not every song on the album was like that, but again I really didn’t give it a fighting chance until about last year. 
          
          As soon as I felt it start to grow on me, someone came into my life that just brought a golden glow I can’t describe and I was so much more open to loving and happy and nice things. I play songs from that album every single day, both happy and sad. I’ve said so many times “Formidable” is the best way I can describe my type of “love language.” I’m getting “Redecorate” tattooed on me to cover up one associated with a memory I refuse to acknowledge any longer. I screamed at the top of my lungs with tears streaming down my face to “Mulberry Street” on the floor at their show last weekend because I was just so excited it was on the set list. I blast “Saturday” and “The Outside” while cleaning alone in the kitchen because they’re my favorite songs to just dance stupid to. “Choker” was the first song off that album I played in my “new” car after my favorite shitbox named Pete (Peter Wentz Parked-Car) got totaled

I saw a shooting star two nights ago. 
          
          The last time I saw one was almost 8 years ago, December of 2016. I posted on here that night. It was something totally unrelated, but that’s because I didn’t really want to post a “goodbye cruel world” on here, despite that being the plan that night. 
          
          I can’t believe how long it’s been since then. And really, the timing of the shooting star is a little ironic. I’m hopeful for it 

It’s been a year little over a year since I made my works private and just went black across socials, only posting a small update once or twice because I had concerned people messaging me assuming the worst. 
          
          I am alive, I am doing better than I was and that’s all that matters. 
          
          January of 2022 set off a horrible storm of bad luck and it just seemed to keep getting worse and worse. I had been turned down for the job of my dreams, my current job wasn’t paying bills and we parted ways after a hospital visit that put me out of commission for longer than they would have liked. I tried to get back on the horse as many times as I could and failed time and time again. 
          
          After almost 2 years of change and growth, I’m slowly getting my footing back. Nothing is really set in stone and I find myself still going wherever the wind blows me, but it blows me back to here. My old works I spent years growing with. I started my first work on this website while I was home sick from school one day watching Disney Chanel, of all things. 
          
          I found comfort in writing during my lowest and loneliest moments and hope to find that comfort again. It will take time, but I will slowly republish the works I removed and will remake ones that were deleted. 
          
          Thank you to all those who were there for me, and for those who waited, here’s to tomorrow. May it hold something better than today. 

Just a small update: 
          
          • I’m still alive
          
          • 80% of my works are still unpublished 
          
          • I’m still undecided if the works that are unpublished will be republished or just straight up deleted for good
          
          • My break from writing and socials isn’t done, I just wanted to make a post because I had some concern
          
          
          
          
          I’m trying my best to grow and to just “get over” things but sometimes it’s a little impossible. My life got turned upside down too many times this year and left me trying to get a grip on what’s left of my reality. My focus is in therapy, self help and I’m doing what I can to make more positive mindset. 
          
          I haven’t found that old spark I used to get from writing. Every time I’d open this app, I’d type for hours as the ideas poured out on the pages in front of me. There was nights I had to force myself to shut it off and go to sleep because I was up past four in the morning just writing. I miss having that drive. Writing used to be an escape for me, but it started to feel more and more like a chore and something I was just doing to get done in more recent months. I said it my last post that my old works showed the imprint of those who were in my life at the time. The evidence is still there from when they were present in my life, but now that they’re gone, it hurts to see it. I tried so desperately to hold onto the relationships I had and they slipped through my fingertips too fast for me to try and grab hold again. 
          
          I’ve typed this so many times but I keep deleting and retyping it, so I’ll end it here. I don’t know if I’ll ever get back into writing my old works again or even writing in general. I’m so thankful for the readers, authors and friends I’ve met along the way. You’ve all touched my life in so many ways. 
          
          Goodbye 

I’m making a lot of my old works private as I am working through odds and ends, I was rewriting and editing these every year just to keep up with it, but I don’t know if I want them published anymore. 
          
          I wrote so many things while people who I loved deeply were still in my life and the impression they had on me is imprinted in my writings. I can’t pretend it’s not. If I want it gone, I have to destroy it completely and the thought of that hurts. I’ve spent years on all this stuff and writing it was an escape for me from everything. 
          
          All I feel right now is emptiness and abandoned. 
          
          I hope you’re so fucking happy with her and that she’s everything I never could’ve given you. 

I’m alive? 

Also that song I was talking about was “Everything You Want” by Vertical Horizon