It has been over a month since I last checked this account here and I am not real sure that anyone has a care anyway. During that time I have felt no change in how I feel and I came to realize why:
1.) I used to be so apathetic and emotionless to everything around me, and now I feel everything I suppressed for so long that it is just too much for me to handle.
2.) I am no longer a kid anymore, in less than a year and two months I will be an adult and I have watched my childhood pass me by without actually being a child.
3.) I have never been able to keep a relationship, intimate or not, for longer than two years because of one simple thing that haunts me even to this day and the fact that no one dares approach me or friends me because they think I am too "weird" or "estrange" but that just is not the case for me... I have lost my way with people and how to behave with them ever since I gave up on the outside world and sheltered myself inside my room... And I am still afraid, which is a new feeling for me, and one I loathe the most.
4.) I am still in grief and pain over the fact that the only other person I cared for in my life was left without ever getting a goodbye... They were my best friend for over five years when I was young and now, ever single time I am feeling alone or depressed, I remember them and wish they were still here with me as my friend and nothing more.
I still feel so alone, more so this year than the rest, and it just hurts to look at those who I seem to be drawn to in the early morning at school and those at lunch. No one has attempted to come over and visit, or hang out, and the only time I really talk to anyone is in the morning or at lunch at school and no where else. It is so painful just to be around them and hurts when away... I miss being emotionless and apathetic because now all I can feel is the pain and it is maddening to feel. A living hell basically.