Ash

Hey I just wanted to tell u my IG keeps shutting down and won't let me text anyone

Um....hi Idk if u remember me we knew each other years ago I went by Carter that was 2015-2017

It's hard to be yourself when you live in a society that tells you who to be 

"No one knows what goes up inside my head"

Sometimes I which I could just disappear but then I think about the people around me I don't want to hurt; can't hurt. That makes me keep going. I just put on that happy mask again and go on. 
          
          At school everything is going according to what I'm supposed to do: get good grades and not fail classes. But whenever I get a good grade and I was scared that I was gonna fail it makes me feel slightly better - like I can do it - until someone comments "You always get good grades", or "you shouldn't be worried about your grades", or "I knew you weren't gonna fail. You never fail.". Whenever some teacher says that only one pupil got good grades some just seem to immediately think of me.. I don't want that. It makes me scared that next time ill disappoint them. I just want to be invisible some times. I don't seem to fit in with my classmates. It some times makes me feel alone in that group. Yet I know it's stupid because I'm not. But it's the way I feel
          
          And no one understand that when they say things like "you're just a genius and get good grades", or that I am "just way smarter" it makes me hella scared to disappoint them. It doesn't make me feel better. It just makes me feel like all I can do next is disappoint them. And then maybe they understand that I'm not great.