M҉a̸t͎t͎h̥ͦĕ̈ø

Ughhhhhhh 
          
          Family was over and our whole side still dismisses everything because we’re low needs autistic and our brother is high needs — which of course means that we can’t pOsSiBlY be autistic too. 
          
          It sucks sooooo much 
          
          And it triggers us so hard 

Still baffles us that people call us by the right name/pronouns (at least most of them). 
          
          Like, what do you mean? 
          What do you mean, you accept us? 
          What do you f-ing mean?
          
          (We appreciate it, but we could still do a double take every time)

It still baffles us when people treat us like normal human beings (coming from an autistic, traumatized borderliner) 
          
          but we fear it’s mainly (nowadays) because our family misgenders us to this day, so we don’t really get used to the ‘normal’. Dunno. It’s time that we’re able to move out but we can’t atm. We just hope to get into university and move away then 

Had to be with family the whole time. Expect some Jones family angst concerning transphobia, psychological abuse and manipulation, trauma stemming from that and all that fun stuff, cause we are in deep need of renting or we will relapse *thumbs up*
          
          (No, seriously, we’re not in need of therapy. Why would you say that) 

No chapter tomorrow/today 
          
          But we promise to upload next week!! Sorry again 

We hate our life (and ourselves) ughhhhhh 
          
          (But not really, we’re just being dramatic and mentally ill again *imagine a star emoji*)

Honestly stuff is so messed up atm 
          
          Germany’s government is moving so right right now and don’t get us started on that stuff in the US 
          
          We’re all falling so quickly, and we just don’t get it. 
          
          As a mentally ill, neurodivergent, gay trans man: Were just trying to live. What’s so wrong with existing 
          
          Honestly, it all seems so dreadful 
          
          
          
          //tw:sh//
          It’s not only because of the work political situation but we can barely stay clean and substances have been difficult too but honestly, we can’t do this anymore. We’re so goddamn tired (physically and mentally).
          And heaven knows, family isn’t helping with that all. 
          If it wouldn’t be for Wattpad and Ao3, oh well… What does it matter, really. 
          
          Sorry, we’re venting a lot these days. I promise, we’re not going to do something permanent concerning our existence *thumbs up*
          

Our mental health is soooo bad. We’re literally so f*cked. If we were taking care of ourselves, we’d only show up at work at most every second day because we just can’t handle it anymore. We barely sleep and eat or the opposite and yesterday we had a breakdown over the iOS 18.2.1. Update because it was a complete change of how the system looks like (and that was quite overwhelming), and then we relapsed the first time after a over year (though we used alc0h0l and n1cot1ne instead then). 
          
          Uhhhhhh 
          
          And like, we *want* to work. We want to be there (especially for the kids) but- we just barely get out of bed these days 
          
          Anyways, we’re waiting for the days to get longer again, so we can head out more. 
          
          And there will be a new chapter on Sunday :)

Ugh sorry that we’re so inactive atm. We probably won’t post after New Years and if we would, it’s not going to be consistent if we’re saying one chapter a week, so we might retreat to a chapter every two weeks. 
          Sorry again. But we barely write during normal weeks (because of work and burn out and stuff) and Christmas gave us like one gut punch after the other, so we didn’t write there either 
          
          So… yeah, expect bi-weekly updates, if even… 

Honestly, staying substance free is so hard for literally no reason 
          
          Wdym we’re at work but can literally not do anything but stare at our screen because our brain is completely occupied with trying to tell us out of a smoke (which is not as bad as other stuff but still a way to numb our brain, which we’re trying so hard to stop) 
          
          Well, at least it gives us some inspiration to write (aka a vent Oneshot)