M҉a̸t͎t͎h̥ͦĕ̈ø

Honestly stuff is so messed up atm 
          
          Germany’s government is moving so right right now and don’t get us started on that stuff in the US 
          
          We’re all falling so quickly, and we just don’t get it. 
          
          As a mentally ill, neurodivergent, gay trans man: Were just trying to live. What’s so wrong with existing 
          
          Honestly, it all seems so dreadful 
          
          
          
          //tw:sh//
          It’s not only because of the work political situation but we can barely stay clean and substances have been difficult too but honestly, we can’t do this anymore. We’re so goddamn tired (physically and mentally).
          And heaven knows, family isn’t helping with that all. 
          If it wouldn’t be for Wattpad and Ao3, oh well… What does it matter, really. 
          
          Sorry, we’re venting a lot these days. I promise, we’re not going to do something permanent concerning our existence *thumbs up*
          

Our mental health is soooo bad. We’re literally so f*cked. If we were taking care of ourselves, we’d only show up at work at most every second day because we just can’t handle it anymore. We barely sleep and eat or the opposite and yesterday we had a breakdown over the iOS 18.2.1. Update because it was a complete change of how the system looks like (and that was quite overwhelming), and then we relapsed the first time after a over year (though we used alc0h0l and n1cot1ne instead then). 
          
          Uhhhhhh 
          
          And like, we *want* to work. We want to be there (especially for the kids) but- we just barely get out of bed these days 
          
          Anyways, we’re waiting for the days to get longer again, so we can head out more. 
          
          And there will be a new chapter on Sunday :)

Ugh sorry that we’re so inactive atm. We probably won’t post after New Years and if we would, it’s not going to be consistent if we’re saying one chapter a week, so we might retreat to a chapter every two weeks. 
          Sorry again. But we barely write during normal weeks (because of work and burn out and stuff) and Christmas gave us like one gut punch after the other, so we didn’t write there either 
          
          So… yeah, expect bi-weekly updates, if even… 

Honestly, staying substance free is so hard for literally no reason 
          
          Wdym we’re at work but can literally not do anything but stare at our screen because our brain is completely occupied with trying to tell us out of a smoke (which is not as bad as other stuff but still a way to numb our brain, which we’re trying so hard to stop) 
          
          Well, at least it gives us some inspiration to write (aka a vent Oneshot) 

We hate being trans so f-ing much from time to time 
          
          *at work, on a call*
          
          Her: Who am I talking to?
          
          Us: Mr. [surname]
          
          Her: No, who am I talking to?
          
          Us: Mr. [surname] 
          
          Her: But there is a woman’s voice 
          
          Us: …no. 
          
          Her: …uhm… okay… 
          
          
          Ughhhhhh 
          We wanna throw up 

Sometimes it still baffles us that people call us by our preferred name and pronouns?? — and then we need to take a step back and rethink how low our expectations are 

At a family gathering and being forced to go to the ladies bathroom, we could cry 
          
          At least we don’t get stuffed into dresses anymore :) 

Researching disorders for stories and slowly your eyebrow just raises more because ‘that sounds a tad too familiar’ 
          
          (We looked up ARFID more closer, didn’t know we were *that* relating to it. Don’t get us wrong, we knew it existed and that it was similar to us but we never really researched it and Goddammit-) 

//vent bc it’s family vacation time//
          
          “Do you really need to change your name and gender, legally? That costs money. Is it really worth it?” 
          
          Ma’am, we’ve attempted bc of that. We tried to end things bc we hated ourselves and especially our body so much. Yes. It is necessary. It’s only the first step too. 
          
          On the other hand, we’re not even 24 hours with our family together and our body is already under so much stress that we can’t go to the bathroom despite constantly needing too, and eating is hard and we really want to use substances to calm down. Dunno. 
          
          No idea how we’re supposed to survive the next two weeks like this… 
          
          
          On the other hand, we probably get our name changed officially, even if it’s only towards the end of November 

Telling a friend that one wants to quit alcohol because one realized that it is used as ab replacement for alcohol. 
          
          Said friend making fun of it a week later, because we’re not good at it and ”Why don’t you just drink a bit and loosen up, huh??” another week later. 
          
          So, we’re definitely not still at the club with said friend and crying in a bathroom stall bc she dragged us back and then forced us to dance — and got fed up because we didn’t look like we were having fun 
          
          Alias, we’re stuck with her tho because she needs to drive us back home :)