Arianah.

And no one even cares anymore. I have things on my mind I want to talk about but everyone's too busy talking about their little cartoons or complaining about their kids and no one wants to fucking listen to me. Maybe it's my bpd, I don't fuckin know. . .

I
           H
            A
             T
              E
               M
                Y
                 L
                  I
                   F
                    E

I
          Want
          To
          Jump
          Into
          A
          Pit
          Of
          Lava
          

I am just fine.
          
          I'm a daughter
          Hiding my depression.
          I'm your sister
          Making a good impression.
          I'm a friend
          Acting like I'm fine.
          I'm a teenager
          Pushing her tears aside.
          I'm the girl
          Sitting next to you.
          I'm the one
          Asking you to care.
          I'm your best friend
          Hoping you'll be there.

In times like these, I wish I could speed up time. Loneliness is a disease I had hoped I would never have. But now that I'm slightly older, I've stopped putting myself into situations where I'd be awkwardly standing next to someone. That act has limited my social interaction incredibly, creating immense amounts of times where I am alone. I float around in school, trying to find something or someone that will tie me down and make me feel important, but I've yet to succeed. My few friends have other friends, who are more enjoyable than an awkward, confused teenage girl like myself. I don't know if my loneliness will carry on well over my teenage years, but I don't have many doubts on that subject. I am easily forgettable and though I've made many efforts to change that, I still feel like a trend that is starting to end. It's as if I'm about to be ignored completely, like I'm nearing an edge that will plunge me into the dark and cold waters of the forgotten. 

How can someone say they care about you when they tell you to kill yourself? They lie and lie and say they were kidding, and one day, they might actually get their wish. And then they try and say it wasn't them! They keep telling you that you are dumb and stupid and retarded and then question why they aren't trusted enough to be opened up to. They consume their lies and believe it's air, when really it's poison and it intoxicates them and changes them. People like them are horrible. They want pity when things happen to them, but when something happens to you, suddenly opening up is idiotic. As if they are so amazing that they need everything done as they say. If something isn't the way they want, they try and change it and make it perfect; make it the way they want.

These days, people think about themselves. A lot. They do not care what anyone else thinks and they do whatever they want. When someone confronts them, they get all defensive and act as if they did nothing wrong and what they did was for the better. They knit themselves into a naive little ball they includes them and only them. They go so far into their own little world that they forget about everyone else and focus on their own priorities. 
          
          Sure, getting people that are useless to you out of your life is good and all, but when you cause pain and agony to your friends and family, that is unacceptable. It is awful when you treat family and friends like a trash.

When you have been through a lot with one person, they can still not give a crap about your well being. Like, if you need comfort and that one person is the only one who can comfort you, they can still say no and ignore you. 
          
          I have learned not to get close to people for that reason. I completely shut my mouth if I am on the road to let any emotion out. The person I am talking to does not care. They do not want the burden of having someone else's emotion with them. 

Everyone says, "Don't wish you life away!" Like they know what you've been through and they know it'll get worse. 
          
          But what if you've had enough of all the hatred and hurt and pain and you just want to get away from everything? If you are underage, you cannot move to another state or county on your own. You have to do whatever you can to get rid of all the torment and torture of your everyday life. 
          
          So do NOT say not to wish my life away because you are not me and you cannot feel the physical and emotional suffering I feel everyday.