𝓣𝓪𝓵𝓮𝔂𝓲𝓪𝓱

She even tells me she doesn’t love her boyfriend- we barely talk about him. Then sometimes she talks about him like he’s the only person ever to exist. I don’t even know anymore. I’m not ready anyways so it doesn’t matter 

I want her to get it back and secretly smell it while thinking of me. Unfortunately that’s just some fantasy I’ve created in my mind about a straight girl; my straight friend, who isn’t even my best friend, who doesn’t like me. 
          
          Because even though I’ve experienced this before- the “wife” thing, the couple reels, the commenting on my every post- she’s just being really friendly… That’s just her thing; it’s our thing, I think. 

“Don’t mean that I’d go back, don’t mean that I don’t want to”

“I would like to say I changed but nothing’s really different”. 

“Try to be tough, try to be mean, but even after all this you’re still everything to me”.

All I had to do is make it. I keep thinking that, make it- just make it to may. 

Three months ago my first coherent thought while being upset would be “wish I could tell her, she’d understand” now it’s not. Yet somehow I’m writing this because I write my feelings all over this damn page and so I’m still technically thinking about the only person I think understands me in anything. I’m just so pissed off, of course I won’t call her next week- I tried to have a relationship with the people I LOOK LIKE but apparently it’s true that love means nothing when the excuse for mistreatment means everything. 
          
          I’m so sick of feeling things; of having my feelings hurt. Even worse, I’m sick of thinking everything will work out and then there’s always one more thing to pop up. I’m so exhausted, and if I were a little bit braver… I wouldn’t have to feel this way anymore 

I don’t wanna get myself worked up but at the same time, I love getting myself all worked up; testing my boundaries and how far I’ll let people go with treating me like shit

I’m shaking I’m shaking wth I thought this was good but it’s not. I didn’t win because emotionally I’m still some hurt little girl and not the angry one I keep showcasing. 

“I hate pretty people who won’t admit they’re pretty” - DALANEY HOWARD (see, I quoted you well)