I can't do this anymore
I want to die so badly, but I can't. I can't because I know I don't have the courage, because I'm a coward who can't even do that right.
My mom just came back from the PTM today. I'd gotten a 38.5 on 40 for science, the subject she wants me to take in 11th grade so I can be a doctor.
It was technically the highest in our grade, but its not enough.
Not that anything ever was for her
I'm pretty sure my foot is dislocated, but its fine. She's just doing it because she loves me. I know she loves me. I'm her only child. The only person she has to rely on.
I want to love her too, but I can't when her words hurt more than her beatings. You know, the phrase 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.' came to me while this happened. I was just thinking what an absolute joke it was.
It should be, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will break me."
I wish she'd just break all my bones instead.
I tried to tell people I trust, you know? I can't blame most of them for not understanding, though. I just.. don't know how to communicate it.
And then there's my boyfriend. I love him, I do, but sometimes I just really wish we weren't together. Everything in my life till now has been dictated word for word. My job? Plastic surgeon. My weight? Can't go above 34 till I'm atleast 17. I go to every single extra curricular there is because I want to see her happy. I'm all she has, after all.
But whatever I do I will never never never tell him about all this. He's only 15 after all. Why should that be different from me though?
Because he has a choice, and I won't tell him this. I want him to remain unaware for as long as possible, because I know he'll try to help, and I don't want my mother to hurt him too.
Oh well, doesn't this sound like a story? I don't care- I'm writing this for me and no one else. And writing always makes me feel better.
I'll go pop my foot back in now, before my friends come over and see.
