ANGELE VILLAMOR

Mama is very sick. She cannot sleep. All her life, she goes to work and comes home also still dong housework and even more housework even if I help her ever since for her, what I'm doing is never enough. Up to this day she asks for my help. I pity her. I don't want her to become more sick, but I also don't know how best to help her. I let her do counseling where she told me she won't do the follow up and then she blames me that I didn't remind her of the follow-up. Seriously?
          
          Now, she's even suffering more. There might just be the two of us about to go crazy, physically, and mentally ill.

I am not thinking that you my family are conspiring against me, but rather I have just unspoken pains that I believe is because of you. Because I also wonder, if I should be able to control how I feel, but not my environment, still I'd feel what I should at every moment when I am offended and upset by you. I think I cannot control my feelings as well but only has control over how I should react. You say I'm reactive right? So I am controlling myself now by not talking and reacting and just ignoring you. Because if I won't? I would just cry and tell you things that might hurt you again. And I'm tired. Just deymn fckn tired!

Neglect here means emotionally, and mentally. You think you've already given so much to me. But it isn't even what I actually needed from you. No tenderness, no love, no care, not even a little respect. Yet, demand it from me. 
          
          Tough love? Tough love is bullsht! It doesn't make your children, your siblings, your parents strong, tough, brave or whatever. Your mind will rotten, it breaks your heart, and it kills your soul.  You will carry all the hurt, pain and anger to your grave.  It does not foster love, peace, care, and respect. No wonder people like you exists. You use the same parenting style your parents brought you up with. Thinking that you grew up well when in fact, you are dysfunctional as a person and now, even as a parent.

But guess what? If I go crazy, I want to congratulate you pa, because you now also share the same problems with your siblings. Maybe you'll learn to actually and truly feel for them. And BTW, you will still suffer from the consequences that your efforts and sacrifices, so as Ate's that you've given to me just went to waste. I will be incapable to get a job and repay all of your generosity. And by then, I will  also be able to accept why you neglect me so much. Because I am incapable of taking care of myself and be sane by then. That all of you would just want me to die, leave me in a very poor facility where you don't have to pay too much or even pay. Just leave me there. At least all of you won't be around for me to see and I will not be in the place where I've been dreading to leave all my life.

There's so much pressure being in 4th year. I don't even know anymore how will I do everything that I have to do. I am posting here instead of doing what I gonna do. But guess what? I don't have the right state of mind, and energy. I can't eat well. I can sleep but can only sleep for a few hours. I might just go crazy if this continues. All I know is I want to cry and die. 
          
          Can't we all just learn to understand without disrespecting and hurting each other? Because I'm tired. So fckn tired. I could die. Gi maldisyon gyud siguro ning balaya kay miski unsaon kadyot ra gyud mi ma malipayon unya taas kaayng panahon nga gubot kaayo mi. Gubot sila managsoon, gubot sad mi nga pamilya. Wa ko kasabot gikapoy na ko! Mubiya gko aning balaya bcos the happy memories are outdone by the bad ones. No matter how much I look into the good ones, the bad ones are way worse. This is my hellhole. Our family's hellhole. I will leave one day before no one could never leave.  I may be thankful that we have a roof over our heads, but the roof is actually too small to cover everyone who wants to be in it (eg. siblings, husbands, wives, and children). Papa never gave us a good example growing up. He just showed us how cold-hearted he is. He masks his true self by pretending to care, but deep inside, he is mad at his siblings. He celebrates for their sufferings too. He is just exactly like them. Because if not, he wouldn't say hurtful things to them. He will not let his siblings' children witness him physically and verbally assaulting them. He should even go to jail. 
          
          Next time things like it happens, I will not stand to help him anymore. He even thinks that I am some kind of help when he is having those kinds of episodes. He even forgot that he threatened to hurt me. He just thinks that we, his children are okay and have some strong mental fortitude.

I stopped posting here my pains and complains with my family members because I decided to be a grown up and tried to embody that I understood why we are in this situation or set-up as a family. I did my best to be more understanding and considerate, I choose to be more aware and acknowledge all that Ate and her own family is doing for ours her nuclear family. All my issue with her before is only that I felt that she have become more superior, authoritative, and disrespectful to my parents and even more so to me. But I decided that if I get offended by her, I will just shut up, ignore her for a while, and be upset on my own. I have made a decision that I will not call out Ate ever again even if I find her being too much. Because in the end, I will be the bad guy. The disrespectful and ungrateful one. Mama would just slap me again not just twice, but maybe 'til I die. I do not want to apologize again for something that I didn't do wrong. I was just saying the truth. Again, truth fckng hurts. I did not say Ate is greedy or whatever, I have witnessed how generous she is. But I just felt that her attitude is just the worst. 
          
          And now, she's experiencing what I feel from Papa. I am not happy about it. I am more furious. Because Papa no longer care about our feelings because he feels that we don't care about his. He tells us hurtful things even to ate. Whom gave her all for him and Mama. Ate did not leave anything for herself. Papa taught us to take care of things we own especially with value, he doesn't even let anyone borrow his belongings and now that Ate is the same? He tells her that she's greedy. Like WTF I'm tired.
          
          I already sent them my class schedule for them to know and not wait for me to cook rice or prepare dinner. Di na unta ko mistil mag ingon pa kay kahibaw na mong daan. Not coming down obviously means that I am doing something! You wanted me to graduate, but you might become the reason why I will not be able to.

My heart's heavy 
          I feel empty
          I cry in silence
          What did I do in my past life to feel like this?
          
          I don't know how to continue
          I bring shame to my family
          I humiliate my own self
          Nothing I do nor say is ever good

You showing a little tad of care now, is just adding up to the anger that's scarred deep into my soul. Oh, my soul will burn in hell I know. I'm no good angel! Have I not been bringing hell to you? To everybody? No? You sure? I'm pretty sure I've stressed you out. Made you mad! I say things without regard! I don't care if people does not like what I said! I too is insensitive anyway! I grew up that way! People aren't sensitive about me, so I do not know how to be sensitive of others too! No wonder GOD led me to study psychology because it made me realize how badly I was shaped growing up, I now know why I behave and think the way I do and I hate it! I am embarassed of the person I have become! And the sad part is, I can't help it! I am like this! I have been shaped to be like this for years and I can't just modify my own behavior and ways of thinkong, not when the things that has been making me this way is constantly around me! I cannot cut them off of my life! I wish I can! Oh, how I wish I can!

You keep blaming me, I keep blaming you for feeling like this, evryone is blaming everyone and we are all just going in ciircles! There's a lot of talking, no one's even trying to listen! It does not reflect on my behavior because I am already suffocated and have become deaf from hearing everything that I do wrong, closing and closing inside my own box! And you! All of you are just out there! Messy! Chaotic! I feel like I'm watching you all and I'm curled up inside a cage and you poke at me when you are all mad. You unleash it on me. Letting me hear your words even if I am not the object of your madness, as if I understand, as if I am a sponge, as if I have no feelings, as if I'm wearing an armor that I don't get affected. I wish I don't. I wish from the start, I was already placed below a tombstone.

Just when I try to take a break from school stuff and chill, and take some attention off of everything that stresses me, I am told that I am supposed to pay attention to whatever they need. They are just full of assumptions of me. They just expect me to do the things I never have thought or even crossed my mind at the moment. Don't they get it? I am dumb! THEY SHOULD NOT EXPECT ME TO DO SOMETHING THAT THEY HAVE NEVER TOLD ME BECAUSE I AM NOT A VERY GOOD OBSERVER AS THEY ARE! I AM USED OF BEING TOLD TO DO THINGS BY THEM! I CANNOT EVEN THINK FOR MYSELF! I AM NOTHING WITHOUT ANYONE PROBING ME TO DO SOMETHING! I AM A PUPPET! I AM SHAPED THIS WAY, BY THEM! AND THEY COMPLAIN FOR MY BEHAVIOR! ESPECIALLY WHEN I DID NOT DO SOMETHING THEY ASSUMED FOR ME TO DO! YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THE THINGS THAT YOU ASK ME TO DO WITHOUT TELLING ME AND I CANNOT EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE FROM YOU BUT DEEP HATRED.